this post was submitted on 07 May 2025
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] assassinatedbyCIA@lemmy.world 4 points 1 hour ago

Please do it anon and make sure you film this great achievement.

[–] SynopsisTantilize@lemm.ee 3 points 36 minutes ago

All ya doubters sound like Joe Rogan on a chimp rant right now. Gorilla glazers....

[–] vordalack@lemm.ee 5 points 3 hours ago

The gorilla will use his insides as an Onahole when he's finished with him.

[–] DigitalNeighbor@lemmy.world 10 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

I think he's on to something... In these times of political and economical uncertainty, we should bring back ancient Rome colosseum style games. Modern fighters taking on wild animals for glory. Give the masses something to get excited about.

Let the man get himself dismembered by a gorilla as part of a bigger event with deadly races and feats of human strength.

[–] peaceful_world_view@lemmy.world 1 points 1 minute ago

Sounds like an average minimum wage jog tbh.

[–] Jankatarch@lemmy.world 3 points 3 hours ago

What's gorilla gonna do? Bite him?

[–] nthavoc@lemmy.today 22 points 10 hours ago

Mike Tyson was going to fight a gorilla in his prime. The zoo keepers denied his request. While he can punch a hole in a human's chest, that gorilla was going to rip his arms off with absolutely no effort.

[–] BlanketGuy@lemm.ee 12 points 9 hours ago

I say let him. We really don't need people like this anyway.

[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 12 points 9 hours ago (3 children)

Gorrillas weigh between 219 and 600 lbs

According to Guiness World Records they can lift 1800 lbs.

They have an arm span of over 8 ft.

Feel free to try it but spend some time putting your estate on order, first.

[–] Akasazh@feddit.nl 1 points 18 minutes ago

Assuming Anon has an estate to put in order... smh my head.

[–] Jankatarch@lemmy.world 4 points 3 hours ago

Don't forget the bite force. Monkeys bite.

[–] Maiq@lemy.lol 5 points 7 hours ago

An orangutan could grab a man by his feet and head and tear him in half, honestly i kind of doubt that the biggest most well trained man could even take on a chimpanzee and win without a weapon.

[–] andybytes@programming.dev 13 points 10 hours ago

Why bother fight a gorilla. Just cut the forest down and polute his environment. Steal his children put them in a zoo. Cut off his hands then and turn them into ash trays. We have already dominated the natural world now we are working on dominating future generations.

[–] BigBenis@lemmy.world 15 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

This made me think of that time my partner's brother told me in complete earnest that he'd be able to jump off a skateboard going 20+ mph and run it out based solely off the fact that the fastest recorded human running speed is 28 mph and therefore he, an average fit 20 y.o. should be able to achieve 75% of that.

[–] funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works 7 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

running at 12mph on a treadmill is scary and fucking exhausting.

[–] thermal_shock@lemmy.world 3 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

Yeah, I used to be able to do 1 mile flat out at about 9 mph, then I'm toast.

[–] bss03@infosec.pub 3 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

I did 1 mi. in 7:19 today.

I have done 9.2 mph in some 1-2 minute sprints for HIIT.

I'd want somewhere soft to land (when the treadmill threw me) and a first aid team ready if I were to even attempt 12 mph!

[–] funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works 2 points 9 hours ago

yeah I was 15 years younger when I tried it and it was just a novelty.

[–] Almacca@aussie.zone 6 points 10 hours ago
[–] matlag@sh.itjust.works 11 points 12 hours ago

Your best chance to kill a gorilla in a fight is probably to move so much air around him that he catches a f*cking cold and dies from it. If you don't actually touch him you may even have a non-0 survival chance as he ignores you.

[–] billwashere@lemmy.world 7 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

If I had a gun in each hand, a bandolier full of knives, and a satchel full of grenades, I might be able to take down a gorilla. But likely not before he kills me first.

[–] Zron@lemmy.world 3 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Sounds like you need a bigger gun for each hand.

.500 Smith and Wesson in each hand aught to do it.

Just make sure you land the first shot center mass, cause by the third you’re gonna be shooting at planes.

You will no longer have wrists, of course, but that is a small price to pay for victory.

[–] billwashere@lemmy.world 4 points 9 hours ago

I have actually shot a .480 ruger. I think I’ll pass on the .500. The gorilla won’t need to do anything because I will have already offed myself trying to shoot those things one handed.

[–] drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 8 points 11 hours ago

That would be how to do it. Humans have pretty good endurance as far as animals go. And gorrilas have pretty terrible punching technique and waste a lot of energy on those shitty downward over head swings that are pretty telegraphed.

My money will still be on the gorilla though unless you ad a few more people

[–] mavu@discuss.tchncs.de 15 points 13 hours ago

if it wasn't so unethical towards the animals, i would love to let those people go for it.

Could only improve the human gene pool.

[–] selkiesidhe@lemm.ee 5 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

Just turned to my husband to ask are there really men out there who think they can really fight a goddamn gorilla??? Is it a joke? Have they SEEN a gorilla??? A chimp gonna kick your ass and they're smaller than an adult man wtf!

[–] BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 10 hours ago

Id personally be more scared of the chimp. The gorilla is mostly a peaceful animal.

[–] Jiggle_Physics@sh.itjust.works 20 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

I'd fight a gorilla, and win.

It would be a gun fight, from a distance, but a fight none-the-less, and I guarantee you, I know how to shoot better than a gorilla.

[–] ohshit604@sh.itjust.works 5 points 11 hours ago

I know how to shoot better than a gorilla.

Insert Planet of the Apes intro.

[–] Comment105@lemm.ee 7 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

I've seen a chimp with an AK.

I wouldn't want to fight a gorilla with a PKM.

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[–] Zacryon@feddit.org 2 points 10 hours ago

It's good to set realistic goals to motivate your workout.

[–] RedditIsDeddit@lemmy.world 12 points 15 hours ago* (last edited 15 hours ago)

The gorilla will rip his arms off and beat him to death with them before he even attempts to dodge it.

[–] Tiger666@lemmy.ca 48 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago) (1 children)

Mike Tyson, in his prime, wanted to fight a gorilla. Mike Tyson was told he would be killed and backed down.

[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 22 points 20 hours ago (3 children)

nah but anon is built different

[–] Honytawk@lemmy.zip 10 points 17 hours ago

Yes, wrong mostly.

Especially in the head department.

[–] KinglyWeevil@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 points 20 hours ago (15 children)

If not for the ethics on the side of the gorilla in terms of making them fight a human, I legitimately do think we should let every single person who thinks they can 1v1 them try. Idiocy of this level voluntarily removing itself from the gene pool is a net good for the species.

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[–] Blackmist@feddit.uk 33 points 20 hours ago (18 children)

Apparently gorillas are about 5 times stronger than a chimp, and I've seen what a chimp can do to a person.

Gorillas mostly leave people alone because they don't find us the slightest bit threatening.

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[–] Hugin@lemmy.world 13 points 18 hours ago (2 children)

I got dunk and decide I could beat a brick wall in a fist fight once.

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[–] rickyrigatoni@lemm.ee 11 points 17 hours ago

Is thisnJoe Rogan

[–] franklinovitch@lemmy.world 97 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (2 children)

"reflexes similar to my speed"

Haha this is a classic French copypasta which is 20 years old and has just been translated by anon.

It is even cited in the French "copypasta" Wikipedia article in the examples section: https://fr.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copypasta

TL;DR: French and fake and gay

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