No Stupid Questions

What you're saying is a bit gobbledygook. I don't want to make friends at work. I want to do my job and then clock out when finished.

After a few decades of working my default is to avoid making close connections with coworkers outside of work because of the trouble it can cause at work. I don't want to be at work in the first place, why make more trouble when I can instead just be professional and get along with everyone in the context of the work itself?

Different companies have different broad cultures, and different subcultures within teams. Some companies just don't have a sense of camaraderie built into their broad culture.

One thing that people don't always understand, and I always point this out to people I work with, is that your professional relationships are much more important than the company itself. Everybody is going to move on from their current job some day. When that day comes, they will benefit from having strong relationships with past team mates, either by knowing folks who can help them get new work, or by knowing folks who they can bring in to tackle projects at the new job.

Your professional network is one of your most valuable assets in your career. The people you work with are real people, with real families. Relationships with great team mates are more important than the company you both work at now, and will outlast your time at that company. Camaraderie is key to that whole scenario. Make sure you reach out to people you respect and enjoy working with and tell them how much you value that professional relationship. You will both be better off for it.

Word of advice--be a good person to your colleagues, and let friendship possibly develop after one of you leaves. I've made many friends throughout the years once we each know there is no pressure to be friends. I've had many job leads throughout the years because people I previously worked with thought I was a great colleague.

For me, I just don't have any interest in making friends at work. If we happen to get along, then great! Gimme your number and I'll text you memes about this week's House of the Dragon after work. Daemon needs to get the hell outta Luigi's Mansion, am I right hahaha

But outside of those one-off friendships, I just don't have the emotional energy anymore to maintain any meaningful connections with somebody just because we happened to apply to the same LinkedIn listing. Life is too stressful to be thinking about even more people and their problems.

Maybe it's just because of my line of work, but nobody does this job because we want to, we do it because we're competent at it. We're not here because of some shared vision or dream, but because the hiring manager accepted "some college" on the applications. We're only sharing this space as a matter of consequence, not intention. That's not enough for me to form a bond on in a lot of cases.

Maybe if I worked in a field that I was passionate about, things might be different and I might be more open to connecting with people. But otherwise I'm just here to do what I need to pay my bills, and that's it.

And yeah, it can be lonely. That part can suck.

You find good friends whenever you happen to be in the same place. Your personalities are compatible, and you like to hang out together. You had to go to some place that is a shared interest, after all, to meet that person in the first place. Like a local bar, or a bowling league, or whatever.

Your workplace can be a source of good friends, but people aren't there based on shared interests, they are there because someone pays them all to be there. So the chances that you find someone compatible enough to want to spend time outside of work is slim, because you are not there out of any particular shared interest other than your career.

The real problem is that the amount of "third places" (like bars and bowling alleys) are decreasing. People spend so much on their housing that they can't afford to go somewhere else to socialize, and are much more likely to just stay home and interact with their collected virtual friends online.

And also the fact that so much of our work is remote now. I am fully remote and my "team" is spread out worldwide. My work "socializing" is limited to asking people in Southeast Asia about the weather 5 minutes before the 10 pm (my time) meeting starts.

I work in a restaurant and most of us are friends at this point. We drink together, smoke weed together, and generally enjoy each other's company

You’re only there due to the coercion of capitalism. And employees are direct competitors with each other.

Trust me, as someone who has that right now I dearly wish I didn't. It's false & unhelpful. Especially when there needs to be a painful change but people refuse.

Lots of conjecture incoming:

I've asked myself this same question, and coming from a military background rather than anything more typical, I think it coalesces as something altogether different depending on the situation.

When I was stuck on a ship with hundreds of others, underway two or three weeks out of every month, 6 to 8 month deployments sprinkled in just for fun... Hard not to come out of a situation like that with some lifelong friendships.

On the other hand, in the years when I wasn't on a ship, almost regardless of the work, even if we were friendly during the day, when the time came to go home it was like cockroaches when the lights come on.

I've come to the conclusion all these years later that it was some combination of shared hardship, forced closeness, security in employment, and a core belief that we were all working toward the same goal. We were in it together, and it felt like it.

Social relationships come from everywhere, even work, and while there are many people who worry that friendships at work will distract from... I don't know... There are still plenty of people out there who want to make the day go by a little faster by working with a friend.

Maybe it just comes down to people not being committed to their work, because why would you be? Sticking your neck out, working extra, helping others, etc. are punished in a lot of different little ways, to the point that the best alternative is just to hop between jobs, staying one step ahead of accidentally giving a fuck.

The company I work for has a decent professional culture that emphasizes teamwork without any weird gimmicks. But I don't get paid to make friends with these people. If anything, the people that think they're there to socialize usually put the work second and make things harder for the rest of the team.

There's nothing wrong with sharing jokes and having fun at work. As long as you understand that there's also value in keeping your personal life seperate.

In my experience, this varies a lot between work places and departments/teams. I've experienced what you describe, and it correlates with shorter em0loyment durations and loads of people "moving through". People don't want to bother with forming bonds when they don't know if the person will be there in a week.

And then there's the complete opposite: A few coworkers and I have changed employers a few times, but in the same industry, and we've always been part of the team "field crew". While we generally don't care about the rest of the company and its office personnel, we always had fun when meeting somewhere around the world. While the amount of beer filed on the expenses as "department meeting" is enough to drown a flock of horses, we often do other things together, like museums, shopping, and sight seeing. Hell, we were supposed to go parachuting together once, but timing and weather intervened. The nature of this job makes it hard to maintain "normal" friendships, so we kind of have to rely on each other for that social interaction fix.

This is highly dependent on which company/agency you work, and even which dept or team you're on within a company. I've made a ton of very good friends through the years at my jobs, but I'm also not friends with everyone who I worked with, and I recognize there's a difference between joking around as friends outside of work and being amiable and professional at work

Did you mean Camaraderie?

They're just there for a paycheck, relax. Just do the job and head home.

My work team is very close. It's the reason we all stay. We range from 1 to 34 years and people only leave if they're retiring or moving for a spouse job. Our office is shelter from the shit going on in the rest of the district. That said, it's beginning to penetrate and, after 16 years, i may be the first one to just walk.

Cause your workplace sucks?

I think it depends on the industry and circle of friends you can find in that work place. Someone I know works in an oil chang place and they tell off color jokes and what not. I work in corporate and almost nobody does that. I also avoid creating that kind of relationship at work because I've been burned on drama from those types of connections. But I still manage to have a couple of people I trust and we'll joke around and curse.

Yeah it's pretty gobbledygook. Don't think you explained yourself that well.

Many people just want to do their job and go home. They don't want to make friends. Or they have no motivation to do anything beyond what they are paid for to help the company or colleagues.

Which is totally fair enough to me. If I didn't need to work to live I 100% wouldn't. Even though I quite enjoy my job and like the people I work with.

From the comments I gather that this mostly depends on the kind of work. I’d assume anywhere that is a “career” type place vs “just a job” will have different kinds of attitudes. At a “just a job” you want to just gfto when you clock out. I’ve mostly had jobs in relation to education or creative, and most of the people there just want to connect.

I’ve always had friends and good times with coworkers, many of whom I’m still in contact with to this day, hell, I’ve helped some of them move.

For me it's much easier to work with people I don't like if we're not trying to be friends. It doesn't matter if I like them or not. Doesn't matter if I think they are a piece of shit or awesome. We each have skills required to get the job done, and we use them together to do it.

Butts in seats is the most important metric for our middle management. In my gig if we don't have a full team, job can't get done. Middle management is incentivised to have butts in seats. So good luck having any say in who is filling those roles.

Combine that with an industry full of toxic work environment. Yeah, I apply my skill set and go home. It keeps the lights on

As a non american working for americans in a american company, yes you guys have a very formal/not friendly culture, but i guess it also depends on the company. This is the first time in my professional life I feel like I have to pay atention to every single word I say.

It really depends on the people and the environment. I've worked places where the whole crew would go out after work quite frequently, and we had a great time, other places, I barely learned people's names.

I like chatting with coworkers and building a "more than just a coworker" relationship, but I don't need it, so I don't push for it. More of a door's open if you want, kind of thing for me.

People I know from work are work aquantices. Some I have been rather fond of but at the end of the day friends are people I hang with when im not working. I personally have not had work friends. Its like friends vs schoolmates. I have had friends that were also schoolmates but plenty of schoolmates that were not. Again not that I did not like them or that I did not share a laugh with them here and there but it comes down to hanging outside of the required to be at thing.

I don't really consider someone a friend until we've shared a meal. Some places lend themselves more to that than others.