Are you looking for an inoffensive insult?

You want an alternative to "motherfucker" that can't be offensive in any way?

Yeah no. Do you even realize what you are asking?

Upvoting because this is a a true "no stupid questions" post.

So... I think you need to look into the social and cognitive nature of swear words. Vsauce has a pretty good primer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7dQh8u4Hc

I think you also need to let go of the desire to be better than common culture, and/or the desire to engineer a better culture from an external perspective. People are gross and messy, imprecise and reckless. It's what makes us interesting, motherfucker.

"Dad"

Literally means the same thing.

Asshole works, but its not as rude.

The bigger question is, are you honestly that much of a prude?

Maternal fornicator

‘You fucking donkey’ is a personal favorite

...just swear all fucking ready.

• Puppy toucher
• Scuzz junkie
• Seat sniffer
• Lostprophet
• Arsebagel
• Enjoyer of Other People's Sheep
• Soldier of 4chan
• Doucheballoon
• His Imperial Knobnobblin, Huffboy Crustmaster Studmuffin of the Lousewortshire¹ Studmuffins
• Trumpie

¹ Pronounced "Loser"

“Asshole” is a personal favorite.

Motherfucker, what the motherfucking fuck are you fucking on about?

Are you some kind of fatherfucker with this fatherfucking fuckery?

Well there's always the simplification to just fucker

How about DGR Dave’s “son of a butt”?

parent shagger?

I think the more "valued" or preferred part of an insult is rather its phonetic or expressive aspect rather than the semantic one. Of course the semantic parts plays a role, as well, but the need to use stressed syllables to express oneself, or simply vent out the emotion, far surpasses the need to utter a semantically-accurate syllable or word to badmouth someone or something.

See here from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

It is a beautiful insult that can vent out the emotions, or can be used for fun among friends etc. that uses no semantics to insult people, but uses very mouthful words to stress and some unfocused (as in not targeting any types of people) pragmatics, like insulting someone by insulting their parents, and insulting them as such making them out to be not something they are (was an x, smelt).

So, whatever semantically gender-neutral alternative you are looking for, consider to have a very strong expressive aspect to it that sticks to tongue.

Misterfalcon

I'm good with sticking with plain old motherfucker and have absolutely zero intention of replacing it with some convoluted bullshit alternative. I figure if he/she/it/they/them are offended by my use of the word motherfucker then it's aimed at he/she/it/they/them anyway and all those motherfuckers can get fucked and stay fucked. Tired of catering to everyone's sensibilities. Grow a pair, or a twat, put on your grown up panties and get the fuck over it.

Burden

Mother Pussbucket

is this a joke

So I go with the “MOFO” is shorter to type and hits the same.

I use buttfuck/buttfuckin' an awful lot as an adjective but not really as a noun. Come to think of it, I don't often -- oh, no, wait, when my cats are being unreasonable we do call them little assholes, but swearing at them turns it into a term of endearment anyway.

Dipshit, wanker, buttnugget, cunt, probably my top go-tos lol. I kind of love how some people just hate the word cunt.

Mother/father is inclusive and a drop-in replacement at least syllable-wise.

In Philly we use "jawn".

"Cocksucker"?