this post was submitted on 02 Nov 2023
268 points (95.6% liked)

Asklemmy

43783 readers
874 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy ๐Ÿ”

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

  1. Open-ended question
  2. Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
  3. Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
  4. Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
  5. An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~

founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[โ€“] scytale@lemm.ee 116 points 1 year ago (1 children)

They treat service people well.

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] sodalite@slrpnk.net 95 points 1 year ago (15 children)
load more comments (15 replies)
[โ€“] MrFunnyMoustache@lemmy.ml 90 points 1 year ago (9 children)

There is a term in kendo called hikitate geiko. I won't get too technical, but in essence, it is an attitude employed by a senior who spars with their junior that helps elevate their skills. It is more difficult than it appears, because if you make it too easy for them, they don't improve, but if you make it too hard for someone, they won't learn anything either; and at the same time, you yourself won't benefit from the spar. By practicing good hikitate geiko, you are able to elevate your partner's skills, but at the same time, refine and perfect your own technique.

I find that this attitude is beautiful in every aspect of life, and isn't easy to accomplish; I think this is a huge green flag when someone does that well, regardless of the situation or context.

[โ€“] tetris11@lemmy.ml 36 points 1 year ago (2 children)

This. Someone who is willing to come down to my ignorant level in a subject and reward me for my tiny effort and interest in it, is an immediate win in my book. Though it is a hard line to cross without going into smirky/mansplaining territory.

For example, Veritasium videos are always fantastic, but I can't get over how the man smirks when he explains concepts, despite the fact that it's his natural smile.

[โ€“] MrFunnyMoustache@lemmy.ml 20 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Finding that sweet spot is incredibly difficult, and requires a lot of attention and skill.

In kendo, if I make it too easy, not only the junior won't learn much from it, but they will get frustrated and feel that they are being dismissed or looked down on. If you go too hard on someone, you are crushing their spirit and demoralising them, and they don't get the opportunity to learn or improve. The problem is that such environments tend to be festered in some dojo, so if you see that, best to look for another group.

The point of hikitate geiko is to give your partner both a boost in confidence and engagement, giving them opportunities to attack you, but if they don't immediately capitalise on them, move on.

As for applying it outside the dojo, I think you have to want to share your enthusiasm about something, and when you get them hyped about it like you, it's an awesome feeling. When you give them the confidence to try something, or ask a question, they are trusting you and it's great. I also love seeing someone when something they have been trying to do just clicks.

I find that when learning a new skill, there is a point of psychological friction, because you feel that you suck, and just aren't getting it. Hikitate geiko helps the junior not feel like they suck, it feels awesome and it increases morale, which makes learning both fun and effective.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (8 replies)
[โ€“] jet@hackertalks.com 82 points 1 year ago (1 children)

They are happy to see you!

They handle stress and disappointment well.

They don't externalize their frustrations, and take responsibility for solving their own problems. They act like a functioning adult.

They have interests and hobbies that they are happy to do alone, or share.

Unfair - but they don't have intense money, drug, social pressure in their life, a stable situation is the good grounds for relationships

bonus: If their parents are attractive, then they could be a good partner who ages gracefully with you

[โ€“] tetris11@lemmy.ml 57 points 1 year ago (2 children)

That bonus really looked like it was going somewhere else for a second there.

[โ€“] LastYearsPumpkin@feddit.ch 29 points 1 year ago

bonus: if their parents are attractive, you have a potential thruple opportunity to fall back on if the relationship sours.

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] vext01@lemmy.sdf.org 77 points 1 year ago (5 children)
[โ€“] Mr_Blott@lemmy.world 22 points 1 year ago

I, too, appreciate a clean bathroom

[โ€“] AnnaFrankfurter@lemmy.ml 20 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Now I'm not dating someone unless they can prove their vim skills. Probably I'm gonna die alone.

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
[โ€“] Quintus@lemmy.ml 74 points 1 year ago (6 children)

If a person carries their trash with them until they stumble upon a trash bin they instantly have a plus in my book.

load more comments (6 replies)
[โ€“] alt@lemmy.ml 53 points 1 year ago (2 children)

The simple virtue of being able to genuinely express these words; "I don't know", "Sorry" and "Thank you" (or any derivative of these*).

[โ€“] rubpoll@hexbear.net 17 points 1 year ago

Being able to admit a mistake is huge, being able to genuinely apologize without some cop-out disclaimer is even better.

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] LadyLikesSpiders@lemmy.ml 52 points 1 year ago (40 children)

Kindness to animals. Just all animals, generally

load more comments (40 replies)
[โ€“] 31415926535@lemm.ee 45 points 1 year ago (3 children)

They're self aware. Understand the difference between subjectivity and objectivity. When they encounter someone different, they don't judge, see it as a learning opportunity. Put thought into their words. If you ask them a question, you can see them carefully thinking about it.

[โ€“] 13esq@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

Everyone judges, it's how you act upon that judgement that is the mark of your character. Anyone that says "I don't judge" is either full of shit or means that they are self aware of their biases, conscious and subconscious and don't act upon their judgements.

Judging people is a natural part of being human and impossible to not do.

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[โ€“] naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com 44 points 1 year ago (55 children)
  • vegan
  • soft spoken
  • patient
  • hands scarred/calloused from work
  • creases in face from smiling
  • casual manner/attire
  • walks around other earthlings on footpaths etc instead of through
  • puts their shopping trolley away, bonus if they round up others
  • mocks authority
  • is kind to children and listens to them seriously
load more comments (55 replies)
[โ€“] Helix@feddit.de 41 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Only kicks upwards, not downwards. Has a backbone and principles. Doesn't value money over meaning. Likes to teach people instead of putting oneself over them.

load more comments (3 replies)
[โ€“] chicken@lemmy.dbzer0.com 38 points 1 year ago

Expresses disagreement with people talking shit about others when they don't have to

[โ€“] deadcatbounce@reddthat.com 35 points 1 year ago

People who treat others who cannot benefit them well. For example, wait staff.

[โ€“] badelf@lemmy.ml 33 points 1 year ago (17 children)

Actually intelligent, reads books, sense of humor, actually listens.

[โ€“] Mr_Blott@lemmy.world 21 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I love my ereader but I miss the days when you could actually see what someone was reading. It was like a book recommending a person

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (16 replies)
[โ€“] _haha_oh_wow_@sh.itjust.works 30 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Treats everyone with respect regardless of what their perceived status is.

[โ€“] GarfieldYaoi@hexbear.net 30 points 1 year ago (8 children)

No particular order:

  • Being a furry/furry sympathetic.
  • A science major of any kind. IMO the S needs more love in STEM.
  • Ever overhear them say "walkable" in a positive light.
  • Hobbies besides media consumption
  • Not "too cool" to learn something. Likes learning for fun.
  • Not to concerned with looking cool or badass, either. Look at CHUDs, I made a joke the other day that I can sense a decent bit of residual 90's 'tude in modern CHUDDery, and I think I'm onto something.
load more comments (8 replies)
[โ€“] spittingimage@lemmy.world 28 points 1 year ago

When they call you because they're at the supermarket and you might want something.

[โ€“] DrQuint@lemm.ee 28 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (9 children)

They talk about Pokemon in the first date and will defend gen whatever while still calling it shit.

load more comments (9 replies)
[โ€“] Ilflish@lemm.ee 27 points 1 year ago (4 children)

I should probably add my own. They like plants

load more comments (4 replies)
[โ€“] Hyggyldy@sffa.community 27 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Their soul is sufficiently supple for the ritual.

[โ€“] tetris11@lemmy.ml 19 points 1 year ago

Girl, are you covered in the entrails of a sheep to sacrifice to the Lord Glycon to wake him from his sleep, or are you happy to see me?

[โ€“] EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone 22 points 1 year ago (1 children)

They're a fucking weirdo like me and so don't mind being goofy a good bit of the time.

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] CyberDine@lemmy.world 21 points 1 year ago

They can laugh at themselves. Not to the point of self deprecation, but they can acknowledge when they're wrong or dumb

[โ€“] ProfessorOwl_PhD@hexbear.net 20 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Good range of spices - preferably slightly more than they have enough room for.

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] keepcarrot@hexbear.net 20 points 1 year ago

I feel like everything is a green flag until a red flag pops up. Like how an open road is functionally a permission to cintinue driving.

There are things where I get excited about a person, but even then red flags are more important. "Never admits to wrongdoing" and "Thinks kicking down a door and screaming at your partner is an appropriate response to leaving a mug in the wrong cupboard" is going to flatly be more important in a relationship than "does activism" or "is house trained".

That said, I don't like arguing all the time and do organising stuff irl, so it would be nice to agree politically on a bunch of things. Responds to texts/messages and seems excited to build conversation with me.

[โ€“] Gallardo994@sh.itjust.works 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Cutting the bullshit and getting straight to the point. If I wanna play games I have a playstation.

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] mayo_cider@hexbear.net 18 points 1 year ago (4 children)

Having red and yellow or red and black flags on their clothing/accessories

load more comments (4 replies)
[โ€“] Waldoz53@hexbear.net 18 points 1 year ago

its more of a long term green flag but whenever someone listens to me, like brings up something i mentioned ages ago or whatever, its just a nice little thing i appreciate a lot

[โ€“] agnomeunknown@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago (2 children)
load more comments (2 replies)
[โ€“] WittyProfileName2@hexbear.net 17 points 1 year ago (5 children)
  • Eager to discuss the cool things they've read.

  • Able to make me laugh.

  • Cleans up after themselves (I know, low bar).

  • Communist of some stripe.

Superficial but:

  • Physically stronger than me.
load more comments (5 replies)
[โ€“] AgentGrimstone@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago

When they pay back what they owe without being reminded.

[โ€“] Omega_Haxors@lemmy.ml 17 points 1 year ago

They actually show up, or, failing that, tell you they aren't going to show up and summarize why and when the next best time is.

[โ€“] wombat@hexbear.net 16 points 1 year ago

communism, support for palestine

[โ€“] ComradePorkRoll@lemmy.ml 16 points 1 year ago (4 children)
load more comments (4 replies)
[โ€“] Rockyrikoko@lemm.ee 16 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Enjoys the outdoors

Child Free

Has a dog

Atheist/Agnostic

load more comments (1 replies)
[โ€“] BearJCC@lemmy.sdf.org 16 points 1 year ago

They communicate honestly

[โ€“] TransplantedSconie@lemm.ee 16 points 1 year ago

They smile at people they meet in a genuine "have a good day" vibe. It lifts people more than you know.

load more comments
view more: next โ€บ