It's been mostly good. Sadly, my parents could not come because the consulate could not issue their visas on time, but we made the best out of what we had. I've now been resting at my sister's place, and it's been such a pleasant surprise. We had not lived together since she was 8(she's 20 now), so it has been quite the experience for both of us. I'm flying back home tomorrow, and I'm already planning a return trip. I needed this break. I feel I could finally stop and take a breath of confidence and self-control. I haven't had any depressing thoughts, and, more importantly, I feel like I was finally able to let go of some of the ghosts that have been haunting me this year. It was excruciating, but I'm happy I did it. I feel confident they won't be coming back anymore to torture and taunt me. So, I feel I can finally start a new era in my life and move forward, one step at a time. Let's hope I can keep the positivity. At least, for now, I think I got this and 2024 can bring it. :)
I had two parties to attend this weekend, but ended up getting a flu. It’ll be chicken soup and crappy reality TV for me.
My mental health has also started to decline again since last week. I’m not sure if it’s the deadly winter of the Nordics or just depression slowly creeping back in. In any case, I feel really scared. The world feels overwhelming and it seems, at times, that my efforts to come to grips with the new circumstances surrounding my life are futile.
I try to convince myself that I did the best I could, that the alternative solution would’ve most likely brought my early demise.
Still, it feels I did everything wrong. I feel I closed some doors that I did not mean to close. I reached the conclusion that the events that took place this year will most likely haunt me to my deathbed. I hope some day it stops hurting so much, though.
I look around and see some friends who have gone through similar situations and it all seems so easy to them. “Don’t compare yourself with others”, my therapist says incessantly every week. Sadly, I can’t help feeling weak in this situation. It’s been over 9 months, but still find myself crying every now and then before bed. I still find myself wishing I just wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
It’s not all bad though. I’m still being very consistent with the gym and I’m now doing pull ups like they were never a problem. I have also learned a few new songs in my acoustic guitar and it finally doesn’t sound like I’m killing a cat whenever I strum it.
Oh, I’ve also been reading The Dispossessed by Ursula Le Guin and I think that’s the first book that completely transports me to another world since the first Harry Potter. 😄
Take care everyone and sorry for the wall of text. o/
It has not been a bad week. It has been over two weeks with no self-harm thoughts and I can’t express how happy I am about it. Of course, my brain still insists on waking me up in the middle of the night to give me a highlight reel of my past fuckups, but I’m coping.
I’ve also been learning to accept that one of the most important persons in my life is now gone and that’s it. It’s okay, though, I’ve been doing fine enough without her and the thought of not talking to her ever again doesn’t terrify anymore.
My deload week at gym has been ok. It’s easy and light, which I’m slowly learning to appreciate. My body feels great when it’s not so fatigued by constantly lifting heavy weights. Keeping tabs on my diet has been paying its dividends as I see my BMI going down week after week. I’m a few pounds away from no longer being considered overweight. Oh yeah, I also managed to do my first pull up!
All in all, it’s been a positive week. I’m hoping that the horrible events that took place earlier this year are now firmly behind me and won’t come back to haunt me. God, I really fucking hope so. It was hard, folks, it was really fucking hard.
Well, it has just started, but I cannot complain. I think my depression and my anxiety both seem to be somewhat stable; it feels like my nervous system is finally getting used to my new circumstances. I also haven't had any thoughts about self-harm in 3-4 days, which I think is a major accomplishment, so I'm proud of myself.
I do. I think it’s quite nice and I have them somewhat regularly. They’re not overpriced where I live, they’re about the same price of a normal latte at any other cafe. So technically not overpriced, but still expensive.
Edit: my ex-partner introduced me to it and she was a typical white woman from southern US. So there’s that.
It’s been going. I think my nervous system is finally getting used to the absence of the one person who’s been here for half of my life. I’m trying to shift my outlook on life and trying to convince myself that I can pull this off on my own. I think there’s been a bit of progress because not every breath feels like torture and I’m no longer thinking of doing anything stupid. There’s a life ahead and I can sort of see it now. It may even be good :)
Thank you! That really means a lot and I appreciate your encouragement!
Things have been somewhat more stable. My anxiety and depression seem to be somewhat under control although there are still the really bad days here and there. I’m slowly getting over severing ties with my best friend of 18 years and am slowly coming to the realisation that maybe it was all for the best. Otherwise, all is the same, gym, work, therapy, some light gaming and reading. Things will be okay.
One of the things I hate the most is when people say, "You gotta be X hours in and then it is really great!" If you have to wait for a game to get good then, in my opinion, it is not a very good game. I want to have fun right from the beginning.
Thanks. I have a therapist who's been helping me to make sense of it all. Otherwise, I've just been trying to keep myself busy, going to the gym, trying new hobbies and so on. Hopefully, things will get easier as time goes on.
This year has been without a doubt one of the most difficult years for me. My relationship is not going great, we may be headed towards a divorce. I’m also no longer talking to my best friend of 18 years. She was someone who had been in my life since I was a kid and I feel so lonely without her.
I’m trying to get my routines in check but just going through the day without having a breakdown seems like a Herculean effort.
It's been a very long week. I'm glad it's almost over, and I'll have two rest days until next week starts. My depression got slightly worse due to someone unexpected coming back into my life, someone I thought I'd never talk to or hear from again. I was getting accustomed to no longer having this person around, and I realised I was doing much better without them. My anxiety was under control; I was making more gains in the gym than ever, girls(and guys!) started paying more attention to me whenever I went out, and I was finally trying out new hobbies!
Then, out of nowhere, four weeks ago or so, I got a message on my WhatsApp. Despite being in a much better place now, I engaged with them. I knew it was a bad idea from the get-go, but part of me was still clinging to the past, I suppose. Finally, I did what I should've done aeons ago: I closed our communication channels yesterday when they inevitably brought more drama into my life that I didn't need. We've known each other for 22 years, and part of me will sorely miss them, but I think I'm much better off without them.
I've been training a lot and got into natural bodybuilding over the past few months. I finally found a coach that seems pretty good, and I'm hoping we can start training after the summer once I'm back from my parents' place. Sadly, all of this has messed up my recovery as it has substantially increased my stress levels. Hopefully, it'll all be back on track soon. Being an HSP makes this situation harder, but I think I'm better equipped now than ever. It's only up from here! (I hope!)
Sorry for the wall of text. It's been a very long week, and I suppose I needed to vent somewhere.