I came out to my mom, which went about as well as it could've given she has a terminal case of way too much Fox News. She's now taking it upon herself to more-or-less concern troll about my mental health which is funny. I'm still hoping it'll turn out well with her, but I'm prepared for the worst. π€·
this post was submitted on 22 Apr 2024
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My partner and I have agreed to an amicable separation. It sucks, but I'm also having the realization just how much I've fought myself over them. How much longer I've been denying my own truth to try and live theirs.
So, kinda a mixed bag so far! Trying to keep my head up, reminding myself that this is my opportunity. I've been wanting to actually live my life as myself. Now, the only thing really stopping me is myself, and feeling that, feeling like I've finally hit the point to telling myself "No, I'm done trying to hide this from everyone offline", has been rather personally empowering.
Great, I started my job and it's going well, things with my girlfriend are going well, no complaints really.
On a macro scale, not too bad! On a micro scale, though, not too great.
Mixed bag this week. Like, life went from being stuck in neutral to getting a job (but then not starting today because IT didn't create my account) and having to navigate healthcare decisions for my dad while also getting back online after an IRS refund actually went through for the first time in years.
Pretty sure I've not gone to bed with the same mindset I awoke in for a couple of weeks at this point, and while most of the developments are good, I'm nearly in overload in terms of processing ability. Neutral to fifth only works if you're already going 60 mph.
I'm doomed π But like, seriously. If anycritter wants a broken, janky thirty-something trans critter as a rescue or a pet, am available ΓΆ/ Not looking to pollute another comm with my mess so I'll not post one of my signature walls-of-text this time <.< >.>
In other news, Sour Strips are pretty tasty. Uhm, I thought I was gonna see a bus fight a night or two ago. Buses here are kinda nice generally but sometimes the driver has to call some people out before there's a beatdown on the bus :-\ Haven't had to deal with any smokers on the buses, so that's nice. Can't say that about the light rail :| New (to me) city funs π΅βπ«
I haven't followed your whole story, but I last remember you managed to find some safe lodging in MN. Is that not still true?
I had a week or two, then a place I'd hoped was at least semi-stable after that. Well, the place I was expecting to be my serious starting-point totally fell through the day before, so since this is week 4 of "a week or two" and my time's up and I've got maybe one hope for somewhere to go I'm getting stressed and scrambly again.
(Yes, I'm that broken that I can't turn a month into a life. I actually don't know how I was supposed to have managed it and no one's willing to tell me so I'm just kinda lost now. Other than being able to ride a bus. I can get to Knollwood and back. Yay. Got cut off from phone Internet access so not betting I'll be able to get to or from anywhere else, but that's kinda my big success dealing with my mental and life issues. Yay me. π« )
I'm sorry you're going through that. I wish I had feelers in Minnesota, but sadly I'm on the other side of the country. I really hope you can find something. Also, does Minnesota have low-income phone programs? I believe there's something of the sort here in Washington, but idk whether it's a commonplace thing elsewhere.
Not to press you but as a general clarification, I can (probably; TSA may eat me because of my expired license π ) fly again if it'll get me a chance I can actually use. Anxing just thinking about trying to manage that but whatever, right? π A hope's a hope, reason and reality can just stay out of it.
There is a program that will cut like $10 off of a landline bill and another that I think does $9 off of an Internet connection or bundle including that (which I believe is the one that can apply to cell service). Looks like that could get me down to like $40 per month π Alternatives include services like TextNow, which will mail me a SIM for like $5 that I can use to provide them with all of my communications and in exchange I get ads and some level of service, assuming they don't ban me for no reason (which is apparently a thing they do? Hmm.)
[Rantyramble] Everything feels like a huge mess when one's life (well, what I had of one anyway) just gets spontaneously knocked over. Like, even phone service maybe sounds simple but there's more to it just because of the mess I'm in. Waiting for mail may be a no-go if I have to go somewhere else before it arrives. Alternatively, I could "just" go to a carrier's shop and sign up for $50+ (skipping the shenans I may have to go through to get the $9 off or whatever) but that requires that I find one (easy enough, GMaps that up) and get to it (could be hours on multiple buses and/or trains with transfers and no ability to track any of it because of my lack of connectivity) and hope my phone's not locked up to the biofam account they're using to screw me over or some other kinda crap I'll have to/be unable to deal with. Bonus points for readers who remember that I've got nasty anxiety problems and can barely make a phone call without a days-long struggle and so even the one little issue may be impossible to resolve right now π
Sadly you'd probably just be playing a game of state leapfrog. My usefulness in-state is limited to a passing knowledge of social services that are unique to Washington. Most of my friends are young and either living at-home or in shared apartments/dorms, and I live in a 200sq/ft studio in the middle of β¨ nowhere β¨, so I'm pretty unhelpful housing-wise. ~~Though Washington is probably one of the best places in the world especially if you're trans and I will fight to the death for this claim.~~
As someone who's basically lived one calamity to the next recently (even after daring think I had found some form of stability on several occasions), I wish you the best. Things have somehow stayed afloat for me, and I'm confident the same will be said for you.
The long story short:
Fell in love with somebody, she rejected me, but we ended up becoming very close friends anyway. Now she's going through a medical crisis and has been leaning on me a lot to get through it emotionally. Besides emotional support, I've been reminding her that even as friends I still love her, in fact a lot more than before. Hearing that she says has cheered her up a lot and really helped.
I don't take it her answer will change given her reasons for rejecting me, but I've come to realize I don't need it to as much as I thought I did. It's enough for me that my love for her makes her happy. That's all I need.
So I'd say in spite of everything seeming like it should be going wrong, I'm having a great week, and I'm going to try to keep having good weeks so she can rely on me to help her through whatever she needs.
Its a going. One day at a time.
probably going to go watch a herding trial this weekend, so thatβll be fun!
i spent last weekend pet sitting which was okay. i roughhoused with the dog a bit too much and she accidentally bit my hand instead of the toy. no broken skin but itβs pretty bruised in a weird spot, so thatβs annoying.
echo (border collie) did her first full set of six straight weaves! iβve been training her with the channel method, and itβs awesome to watch her work through what i want. such a smart cookie.
Week's going pretty well so far. I recently got back into photography, and I happen to live directly under a landing pattern for the local airport, so I've been trying to get decent shots of planes landing. It's a lot of fun watching the flight radar, tracking flights, and running out to set up my camera in time. I only have a short moment before they dip behind the trees, but I'm getting there! I'm also getting some pretty good shots of the moon from my balcony. This camera's from 2017 and is used, but it's not bad!
Having to prepare myself for this weekend though. CW: grief: this will be the first time we celebrate my mom's birthday without her, and I already know it's going to be equal parts hard, surreal, and sad. We're going to go out and see my dad and just hang out, not really sure what the plan is. My aunt wants to release butterflies or something, which seems a bit trite and exploitative to the animals, but to be honest Bees, I'm not trying to get into that. We're all grieving in our weird little ways. I think I'll try and find her old camera equipment, swap this bag I'm using out for her old one.
But enough about that. It's good to let it out and all, but I'm not trying to dwell on that shit, so have some pictures!
It's a hard one.
I'm no longer adapted to in-office work, so doing a two-day stretch wore me out, and I have many more meetings than usual this week.
BUT, tomorrow's Friday.
Hope everyone has a good week!
Maybe you could use some magic to help that happen, Enchanter! :P
It's so far a bland week. Not amazing, but not bad either so I cannot complain.
A positive thing is that my family was able to save $40 a month on our internet plan. So that's cool.
I really want to do something creative, but I'm in a bit of a creative rut at the moment. I'm sure I'll figure something out. It's a funny issue to have
It's been up and down. Moment-to-moment it kinda sucks, because my anxiety is through the roof and I can't keep a gym routine or take care of myself. I feel like I'm slacking at work because of it.
But big picture? It's actually amazing. After years of struggling to find healthcare, my friend is finally starting HRT, and I'm so proud of him for not giving up. I'm starting adderall tomorrow and praying to whoever listens that it does something. I'm in my 30s with less than a high school education and if I could focus for the first time in my life, maybe I could get a degree and get out of retail.
EDIT: I just remembered that I smoked weed at the beginning of the month. I'm probably going to fail my drug test and things won't get better.
Like 5yrs ago, I took a drug test for a new job. A few days before they called me, offering me said job, I had taken a gummy or two. Because I didn't think I was going to get the job. They scheduled me for the drug test, but I pushed it out as far as I could, like 3 weeks, and I passed. Now it's not like I was consuming THC regularly. It'd probably been months since the last time I'd consumed any in any form. I don't know what your habit is like, but if you're in a similar situation, you might be OK.
And even if they do detect it, that could be a false positive. It happens. Then they make you take another, right? Maybe push that out a little, too, to give your body more a little more time to get rid of it.
Oh, thank you! Yeah for some reason re-taking the test never occurred to me. I guess I just thought, I don't know, everything would fade to black and credits would start rolling.
The trial dose they gave me improved my job dramatically, so I'm going to do everything I can to get a refill.
Some really bad stuff happened again but it doesn't seem to be repeating soon so hopefully the rest of the week will be fine. I still can't get my PC repaired though and it's quite a problem because it's basically the only source of entertainment in my current situation and health condition. And my mental health in general is just getting more and more unstable. At this point I'm kinda waiting for a complete meltdown because then I won't care about anything and maybe will finally get some good rest (I can't even sleep properly now)
I'm in a glass box of emotion, in an easy to read list:
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SCOTUS and the entire justice system in the US scare the shit out of me and are giving off some very Weimar Republic vibes with their handling of important issues. We are all thinking of how tiered and corrupt this cavalcade of insanity has been, but I've yet to hear anyone at the top do or say anything to fight back.
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I have a student who is just a total asshole who absolutely needs to be kicked out of my class. Really disappoints me. The mountain of paperwork is exhausting but I'm doing it because someone in a position of power needs to do the right thing once in awhile.
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I'm loosing weight and just need to get over this plateau and into my goal area. So close but wow is Laphroaig delicious on cool evenings.
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New "older me" personal best on the bench. So I got that going for me, which is nice. I use our college gym and it's amazing. Most of the staff use the faculty hour but early in the morning, it's only dedicated athletes and people who want to be there. It's incredible and extremely satisfying to never need to wait for anything, and loose myself in heavy metal. 10/10.
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Since AI is all the rage here, I used it for qualitative coding. Not to do my research. But to summarize and make suggestions. After playing with prompts it was pumping out time saving insights to empower me to dive deeper. Saved me MONTHS of work.
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Finished a really funny article in the Atlantic on cruise ships. Awesome writing. Great story.
Pretty damn bad. Everything feels so hopeless. Things just keep piling on and getting worse. Now I won't have phone/Internet service to help me talk to friends and help distract myself from my disabilities/health issues/chronic pain/life issues etc which is extra sucky since I'm pretty much bedbound. So I won't have a connection to the outside world anymore. And I still haven't figured out how to help my poor kitty and I hate that she's suffering and I'm too non-functioning and broke to do anything about it. I'm overwhelmed and I don't know why I'm posting this and it probably makes no sense but I'm trying not to dump my issues on my poor friends. So I guess I'm screaming into the void, I dunno. I'm sorry. I hate myself lol
It's been a very long week. I'm glad it's almost over, and I'll have two rest days until next week starts. My depression got slightly worse due to someone unexpected coming back into my life, someone I thought I'd never talk to or hear from again. I was getting accustomed to no longer having this person around, and I realised I was doing much better without them. My anxiety was under control; I was making more gains in the gym than ever, girls(and guys!) started paying more attention to me whenever I went out, and I was finally trying out new hobbies!
Then, out of nowhere, four weeks ago or so, I got a message on my WhatsApp. Despite being in a much better place now, I engaged with them. I knew it was a bad idea from the get-go, but part of me was still clinging to the past, I suppose. Finally, I did what I should've done aeons ago: I closed our communication channels yesterday when they inevitably brought more drama into my life that I didn't need. We've known each other for 22 years, and part of me will sorely miss them, but I think I'm much better off without them.
I've been training a lot and got into natural bodybuilding over the past few months. I finally found a coach that seems pretty good, and I'm hoping we can start training after the summer once I'm back from my parents' place. Sadly, all of this has messed up my recovery as it has substantially increased my stress levels. Hopefully, it'll all be back on track soon. Being an HSP makes this situation harder, but I think I'm better equipped now than ever. It's only up from here! (I hope!)
Sorry for the wall of text. It's been a very long week, and I suppose I needed to vent somewhere.
Building a statue in minecraft to get my zen on.
Kinda stressful. I've been in the same place for 13 years, they're selling the house out from under me, I have to move in June, and I haven't found anything yet. My income is limited and I have allergies, which both limit my options pretty significantly.
I'm on a bunch of wait lists for low income housing and I'm following all the leads I can, but it's getting close and I'm getting worried.
I have a tabletop rpg on the way, but in the mean time I'm getting by driving a cab the days I can manage. It's precarious. I have a lot of tech hobbyist background, but no paper or connections to get me out the gate.
I honestly don't know what to do. Being homeless at 17 was one thing. It'd be a little different coming up on 40. I really don't want to end up living in my car.
My week has been going alright. I pitched an idea to my boss earlier this week and it's been okay'd, but I kinda regret it, due to the extra work with no increase in pay. I don't know if I want to do this, but it's already too late.
On the plus side, the hot water is finally working in my shower, which is nice.
@BevelGear @alyaza
Perhaps being your idea, it might be that youβll enjoy doing what ever it is. Iβm trying to find a bright side here.
Thanks for the support. I know it isn't going to be easy for me and that I'll have to work my butt off for I don't know how long, but if I can pull it off, I'll be so happy with myself. I'll see what happens in due time. If all else fails after everything I've done, I'll cry, laugh and say that I at least tried my best.
Is the idea something to improve your and/or your coworkers workflow or processes? Because that'd be good at least.
Yea.
Busy week at work. I took Monday sick as I was tired and just mentally not there. But that didn't really change that I had a lot to do this week. At least I was able to get things done and make headway. My title has "manager" in it, but I manage no one but myself. But I felt like I actually did a lot of managerial and even pseudo-supervisory-type work this week. I'm starting to understand why my boss made me a junior manager at work. It only took me a couple years to understand it. That said, I still don't want to be a director at this place. It's not the right place for that level of responsibility. I still probably wouldn't manage anyone (nor do I want to), and the pay wouldn't be commensurate with what an actual director in my position would make. And I'm supposed to be leaving anyway...if the government would hurry the hell up with all the processing and checking for this job I was offered literally 10mo ago. My current employer knows about this new job, but thank god their cool with it and understanding of my situation.
Aside from work, not a lot going on. My dad suggested I visit my parents for Mother's Day as a surprise for my mom. So booked tickets today. Decide to use points for once, so it only cost me like $60 RT on Southwest. Which is damn good, considering that's only like two weeks away. I didn't go anywhere this month since my Feb/March travel was way more costly than I expected, and I just zeroed out the credit card I used for that, so a cheap trip to see my family in May will be good.
For this weekend, no Formula 1, but there is an IndyCar race I'll be watching. I've seen F1 communities on Lemmy. I assume there are IndyCar ones, as well. Anyone have recommendations on active communities for IndyCar?
It was fine but now I feel awful since I destroyed my desktop motherboard
Aww man RIP. What happened? I'm not super great with PC's so having to take stuff apart from time to time always makes me worry that I might break it
I accidentally scratched its back in a way that ruined it while trying to remove the cpu cooler