this post was submitted on 17 Feb 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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top 36 comments
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[–] fireweed@lemmy.world 60 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Me trying to raise kids

Well there's your first problem

[–] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 27 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Also "trying to excel in my work." Put in the same effort that your boss compensates you for.

[–] remer@lemmy.world 12 points 5 days ago

The trick of to have a net worth of at least $10M. It’s easy after that

[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 17 points 5 days ago (3 children)

I can't exactly cut the baby in half and jam it back into my fucking urethra.

[–] Ziglin@lemmy.world 13 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago

Not with any attitude!

*harrumph*

[–] lemmy_nightmare@sh.itjust.works 7 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

Aren't babies supposed to come out of uterus?

[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 8 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] spooky2092@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 5 days ago

Yeah, but now it's past the point when republicans care about it, so you can at least try without too much issue.

[–] Delphia@lemmy.world 32 points 5 days ago

The secret is to give up on having time for yourself and find the zen in the things you have to do anyway.

You ever wonder why dads tend to become all about their yard, their bbq and DIY? Because if I have to mow the fucking lawn, feed my family and fix shit all the fucking time I might as well find the satisfaction in a job well done.

[–] Catman@lemm.ee 17 points 4 days ago (2 children)

I solved it by not having kids, seriously best thing I done in my life so far.

[–] Grassgrowz@lemmy.world 14 points 4 days ago (1 children)

instead of trying to excel at work, just libreoffice calc instead! badum ts

[–] Serpent@feddit.uk 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Tbf, I was confused by the wording and your joke clarified it for me.

[–] lugal@sopuli.xyz 4 points 4 days ago

Same. Honestly I wasn't even confused. I use a lot of excel at work, I just assumed it's a verb now

[–] palebluethought@lemmy.world 16 points 5 days ago (2 children)

I know this is the least important one on there, but I don't get this thing lately where people talk about "staying hydrated" like it's some big challenge they have to put effort towards. Like... get thirsty, drink water?

[–] spooky2092@lemmy.blahaj.zone 20 points 5 days ago

Look at this person, with their ability to tell what their body needs or when they're thirsty.

[–] noyou@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

The trick is that you need to drink more than just "im thirsty"

[–] peaceful_world_view@lemmy.world 12 points 5 days ago (1 children)

That's exactly where "they" want you. Too tired to lop off heads.

When your scare quote "they" it makes you sound like you mean Jews.

It's Lemmy. Just say billionaires.

[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 7 points 5 days ago

Replace kids with pets and add handling multiple chronic illnesses and it's my life.

[–] dumbass@leminal.space 10 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

I have failed the last one, going to go get some personal time off from work today, then maybe I can finally get some sleep.

Edit: got it, now I can rest, well shitpost on Lemmy as therapy.

[–] sunbrrnslapper@lemmy.world 10 points 5 days ago

Btw, this look would be after I put time into my makeup and hair.

[–] S3verin@slrpnk.net 6 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I do at least one of them. Guess which.

[–] Wizard_Pope@lemmy.world 7 points 5 days ago

Staying hydrated

[–] moistclump@lemmy.world 4 points 4 days ago

I’m only trying to do two of these things and I still look like that.

[–] Sam_Bass@lemmy.world 2 points 5 days ago

psst...~cohabitation~

[–] partial_accumen@lemmy.world -3 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (4 children)

~~"excel in my work" would be using a spreadsheet. "accel in my work" would be improving your skills/effort.~~

edit: corrected. I was wrong.

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 14 points 5 days ago

“accel in my work”

work faster not smarter?

[–] CHOPSTEEQ@lemmy.ml 9 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] partial_accumen@lemmy.world 9 points 5 days ago

You're right. I corrected my post.

[–] spooky2092@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Good on you for acceling in knowing when you're wrong, and quickly!

[–] Siegfried@lemmy.world 3 points 5 days ago

Accel is perfectly cromulent

[–] MissJinx@lemmy.world 6 points 5 days ago

I excel in my work