I don't know where to post this but I just want to get this off my head so just ignore if not interested, kind of all feelings I just felt in a 10 minute time frame out in the wild:
As I walked home two hours ago I passed by a student party. The air was thick with a youthful energy that I recognized all too well—a buzz that seemed to capture both the excitement and uncertainty of those nights where anything felt possible. I know that at 31, I’m still young, but in a different way—a way that carries the weight of experience and the quiet wisdom that only comes from living through those wild, uncharted years.
From the speakers, the unmistakable opening chords of "Blink 182 - First Date" filled the night air. I stopped in my tracks, closed my eyes, and in an instant, I was 19 again. I was back at those hazy, crowded parties, standing nervously by the bar, a little tipsy, trying to work up the courage to talk to someone. Back then, life felt like a series of endless possibilities, each one as intoxicating as the drinks in our hands. I didn’t know where I was headed, and honestly, I didn’t care. The future was a distant thought, overshadowed by the thrill of the present moment.
Then, as if the universe was in on the nostalgia, "Sum 41 - In Too Deep" came on.
I stood there, lost in the music, feeling like I was 19 all over again, but this time with the knowledge and perspective that come with being 31. I remembered the sting of those awkward moments, the times I fumbled for the right words and ended up with nothing but a smile and a kind rejection. But I also remembered the highs—like that one night when, after what felt like an eternity of nervous anticipation, I finally had my first kiss, and it happened to this very song. That kiss, clumsy and sweet, would turn out to be with the woman who is now my wife. Back then, I never could have imagined that the girl I was so nervous to talk to would one day be the person I’d spend my life with.
What can I say? Those were truly unforgettable times. As the memories washed over me, I slowly continued on my way, but I couldn’t resist one last glance back at the party, my ears still tuned to the music. "The Offspring - The Kids Aren’t Alright" was playing now, and I couldn’t help but smile. It was almost as if time had stood still in that moment, even though everything else had changed.
But as I walked away, I also couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness. In those years since, I’ve lost three of my closest friends—one to cancer, another in a car accident, and one to a pulmonary embolism. They were the friends who danced with me to these very songs, who shared in those wild, carefree nights. Their absence makes those memories even more precious, and bittersweet.
Yet, as much as I cherish those memories, I know those days are behind me. They belong to a chapter of my life that’s closed, but not forgotten—especially not when the love that began in those moments is still with me today, and the memories of those we lost continue to live on in my heart.
It's weird because I feel like I will never get the time back. The time between being 16 and about 22. I know I have a lot coming at me in my next years but I know that a lot of it isn't going to be what "was". It's going to be a different great but different ride. With that being said I am in for it but I also would like to experience the other ride one last time, but I can't.
I slowl moved on and away from the music and the teens partying because let's be honest. 31 is young but not "22" young where you could just "join the party".
Festivals have also changed. Going to festivals at age 20 was bringing 1000 beer cans and cheap food. Atleast here in Germany. Now it is 75% a kindergarden and all are "normal" people at our camp ground. It's fun but not what it was like at 20. Now we have kids jumping around. Heck, we are going to Summer Breeze and we have an own fridge for baby food... Unthinkable 10 years ago because all the moms and dads at our camping spot were drunk party animals ten years ago.
Don't get me wrong - I'm glad they aren't drunk party animals them being parents now. But this is what I mean with "different ride". We share the stories years ago but we won't relive them anytime soon.
A friend for example has "baby time" during Heaven Shall Burn this year. I don't have kids but if I do I know that "ride" is gonna be special because well having a baby brings responsibilities and it might be fun taking care of "your baby". But it's a different fun.
I totally understand wanting to escape, but psychedelics are kind of like a risky shortcut. The experiences they bring can actually be reached naturally, like through meditation or even lucid dreaming. With lucid dreaming, you can explore your subconscious and control your dreams—no substances needed. And if you’re curious, melatonin can help with lucid dreaming too. It regulates your sleep cycle and can enhance REM sleep, which is where vivid dreams happen. When you take it in the right amount, it can help you become more aware of your dreams, making it easier to control them. So instead of turning to psychedelics, which can mess with your brain, why not dive into things like meditation or lucid dreaming? They offer the same kind of mind-expanding experiences, but they’re safer and something you can actually train yourself to do.
Psychedelics are like throwing fireworks around your brain. It's a shortcut but keep in mind the people who write it is life changing experience the same amount of people can't write it because it was life ending. Maybe if you want the shortcut do it with supervisor.
I wouldn't recommend because it is a shortcut. You have to understand and feel though.
Go to Thailand (Koh Phangan for example) and speak with the teenagers and young adults who shroom the first time. They really can't see the big picture. Nobody can see the big picture because there is no bigger picture. We are just recieving a ton of input by hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling and creating images. It is not more and not less. Some people believe in a god or some other things to hold on to something during this ride but in the end it is all an illusion that will end somewhere from birth to death and no one knows when and after that it is over. No god, no respawn, no nothing, just like the state of prebirth. It is what it is. I am not judging if it is good or bad to believe but it gives motivation. I believe too, I believe that my energy will be released after death and I will be part of the universe again. I won't feel, I won't hear, I won't see, I won't smell and I won't taste - just like prebirth. But I am here. I say believe, because I do not know and I can't know.