Asklemmy

Something I worry about, but haven't seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I'm the one who feels bad, so I'm going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.

There are people I didn't treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.

Reading this thread, however, it doesn't look like that's how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.

There was this girl in my school who was an immigrant and didn't speak the national language. It was, I believe, second grade. Our whole class, including me, constantly laughed at her, and it was clear she wasn't enjoying it. She was somewhat of an outsider, never participating in social events, never properly socializing. I left that school the next year, so I didn't get to see her anymore.

I met her again in high school, six years later. She spoke the national language, integrated properly, and had many friends. I even met her through a mutual friend. We spoke normally at first, simply acknowledging our shared past, but some guilt gnawed at me. It's not like I couldn't sleep thinking about how I treated her, but I couldn't just pretend I've always been nice to her. So, one day, I took her to the side... and apologized. She was flustered, she clearly didn't expect that, nor did she hold a grudge according to her, but I felt way better afterwards.

Edit: spelling

I was a bully to the whiny and sensitive kid in my friends group. Everyone kind of poked fun at him so me being a kid, I did the same.

I genuinely apologized to him 10 years later as it was gnawing at me all those years and he didn’t accept it. He told me how the teasing messed up his self esteem and contributed to mental health problems he still deals with.

I felt so unbelievably awful for having that effect on him for all that time that I didn’t know what to say. I figured if I hurt him that much the best thing I can do for him is disappear completely. I haven’t been very social since out of fear of hurting someone like that again. Keeps me up sometimes and I find myself thinking about it when I daydream.

I had an ex boyfriend I'd stayed in touch with phone me to say he was now a Christian and part of his new-found faith was contacting people he'd treated badly in the past and apologising. So, he realised now that he had not been a good friend, and he was very sorry for any hurt he'd caused me. I accepted the apology and we chatted a bit.

A few weeks later he called again, this time to ask me to sign an affidavit affirming that he was a good person and had been a good friend to me. This was to support his effort to gain custody of a baby, who may or may not have been his, from his most recent ex, along with her two sons, who definitely weren't. I said absolutely NOT and told him why. He hung up, and I haven't heard from him since. Such a great friend, lol.

I ran into one of my school bullies a few years later on a walk, didn't even recognize the guy at first. He did apologize for back then and said he was a dick. Didn't really do anything for me to be honest, but I accepted it at least and went my way.

One apology I wish I had gotten but never did: I was the designated driver for a friend (and a friend of his), just hanging out, bit of drinking, but I'm not a big fan of bars. It got late and I just wanted to go home at that point, so we got into the car. I was going to drop them off where they wanted and now suddenly my friend (sitting next to me) wanted to pick up and annoy yet another friend of his (detour and I just wanted to drop them off at that point). I said no, I'm not picking up another friend at this point.

When I wanted to do a right turn the guy grabbed the steering wheel and tried to go left towards the other friend. Had to stop the car, luckily we weren't going fast and it was inside the town. I got pissed, dropped them off where originally agreed upon and drove home. Wasn't the first time either that he reached over to the steering wheel, but last time he just got annoyed at a dick on the road and used my horn (while I'd have just let it go).

Well, never got an apology, so I just stopped talking with the guy. Years later he wrote me again, we talked a bit and I brought up that I was still annoyed from him grabbing the wheel back then. He thought it's so long ago, why do I still make a big deal out of it? Super annoying.

There was someone I was talking to and we were interested in each other. I went to their city to visit and party, ended up going to a bar with them and their friends. I left with and hooked up with their friend.

Years later I was thinking about it for some reason, and how shitty of a thing to do it was to this innocent person who had been so kind and hospitable. I reached out and apologized, telling them it wasn't their fault and that they deserved better than to be treated that way. I felt very bad about it and wanted to try to reverse any damage it may have caused them and their feeling of self worth. Thankfully they forgave me and said they were in a happy and healthy relationship at that point.

Besides realizing what a shitty person I was, I eventually realized how alcohol affected me and quit drinking. Not blaming the alcohol for my actions because I was 100% lucid, but it sure made making wrong choices easier in the moment.

I'm very accustomed to trying to do this because I remember everyone I've wronged and think about things in my past a lot.

I've realized however that apologizing doesn't mean that the person you've wronged because of an instance they've wronged you before will ever change how they treat you. Even if you two were best friends. I had a very toxic friend in highschool who never owned up to something he did to me and I never really got over it. Instead of moving on I fought back, but looking back I can at least acknowledge he is a narcissist and never wanted me to be happy in the first place. I wronged him by letting my emotions take over, but he was oblivious to the pain he put me or anybody else through. It's that mantra that keeps me from wanting to fight him again even if it's been years and years. I want to get over it and I think I can with enough change in my life but God damn I never thought I'd feel that kind of rage.

Yes.

I met up with my ex for lunch decades back when she came to town on other business. She took me to lunch and apologized for taking me for granted and generally not being a very good girlfriend at the time.

Similarly, my brother called me up one day and took the time to apologize how how he'd acted the whole time we were growing up together and years afterwards.

I think it was more experience and better perspective for the first, and more maturity for the second, that triggered the self-reflection and apologies.

Yes. I got in to contact with a girl 30 years after I last saw her. I bullied her at school. Felt bad for it for many years, still do. Apologized the best I could. She forgave me. She said I was the only one who had reached out to her about it.

I have never wroged anyone. But seriously, I was a real jerk to a coworker a long time ago. Like, for quite a while, not just once. Just didn't like him for some reason. One day, I'm not sure what happened, but I realized that I was being a big jerk and told him I was really sorry. Ever since then I always try to remember that experience and be as kind as possible to others. Like I said, I really don't know what caused the change, but I'm glad it happened.

One of my school bullies one day unexpectedly apologized. I had long forgotten about it but we one day met randomly in the city and he suddenly started talking about how he was sorry how he treated me. He genuinely seems to have changed, i was surprised how much he changed for the better actually. But this also goes only for him, there were 2 others and they were much worse.

Yes, I apologized to a girl for having sex with her 20 years ago and then ghosting her. Then we had sex again and I almost ghosted her again. We concluded that we have great sex but aren't ment to be together.

I actually want to apologize to someone, for not being honest when we were 17-19 (we’re both now 27-28).

I always lied whenever she asked me to just hang out. Said I could not or had something else.

Truth is, I never dared because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know that, I was hanging out with a girl. A lot happened in my youth and didn’t want to have another violence experience at home.

That and the fact I just feel awkward around people or on 1 on 1 meetings.

But I feel like it’s been way to long for that apology.

I have a cousin that's the same age as I am and we were practically siblings growing up because we lived in the same apartment building and went to the same school. And I was really mean to her during our late teen years. The worst thing I did was stole her IRC chat logs with her bf and shared it with some of our friends. I apologized to her a few years later and we were on good terms since then.

I received an unexpected apology almost 20 years after the fact. I had long since moved on and had no hard feelings for the person.

Before that apology, I was like most people who thought an apology like that would feel selfish or self-serving for the person giving the apology. Instead, it felt very genuine and weirdly made me feel a little better about humanity. Like, if this person can grow and come out the other side a better, happier person, then more people can too.

I received an apology from a person who bullied me, at the end of our time at school. It was nice and all... if he could have come to this realisation during school then that would have been better.

Once I slept with my best friends mom and got him an ice cream cake after that said ‘sorry I banged your mom four times last night.’

We don’t talk much anymore.

I've recently apologized to a friend of over 25 years. One day while we were playing video games, he was making fun of my name as he usually does, and I blew up at him, telling him I didn't appreciate him saying these things for decades. While my arguments may have been reasonable, my reaction was purely based on my feelings at the moment.

One thing I've considered a few years ago was what was I trying to do when I apologize. Was it to make the person who I wronged to feel better, or was is for me to forgive myself? I still wrestle with that thought. I've forced an apology or a few in the past, giving them to folks who literally don't want to hear it, and outcomes never go the way I expect them to.

Sometimes I think we need show ourselves the grace and patience we give to other we love and care about, but be mindful of the entitlements and boundaries we take or push upon.

Yes, I have experienced both. And yes, it is exactly as awkward as you'd think. It resolves well though, once that passes.

Family, close friends, exes usually.

Also, if someone is involved with any kind of 12 step program for addiction, they will do some of this as one of the steps.

Technically I did this with my first BF. I would’ve done it sooner but wasn’t able to communicate with him.