this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2023
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[–] mriormro@lemmy.world 113 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (6 children)

Speaking as a straight cis male who's on the verge of asexuality, it's been incredibly difficult and oftentimes alienating having discussions of sexuality and sexual insecurities with my other cis male friends because a lot of the discussion tends to veer into vulgarity or jesting. Then there's the conversations you have with your partners and sometimes some of those partners implying that you're not 'man enough', etc.

I understand that a lot of this is due to toxic masculinity but I've gotta say, it's been pretty tough.

[–] sanguine_artichoke@midwest.social 40 points 9 months ago (9 children)

Talking about serious emotional issues or relationship problems with other men is pretty much uniformly crap. Most men are conditioned to not open up, or prefer immature viewpoints about all of that - or are just immature and crude and actually think various stupid and abusive things about women. Unfortunately some women actually prefer that.

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[–] Knusper@feddit.de 25 points 9 months ago (2 children)

Yeah, I hate how girls will be disgusted when it's somehow suggested you'd want to have sex with them, while at the same time, I don't feel like I'm even supposed to have an opinion.

It's like, I'm a man, not in a relationship, not gay and not good at pretending I've never heard of sexuality, so if I don't want to have sex with a girl, that must mean I find her extremely ugly.

[–] Zamotic@lemmy.zip 22 points 9 months ago (2 children)

"Whatever... stop talking to me. You clearly just want to get into my pants. What?!? You DON'T want to sleep with me? Why the eff not?! Am I not good enough for you? Not pretty enough?!"

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[–] NightAuthor@lemmy.world 24 points 9 months ago (2 children)

I married my highschool girlfriend, so I’m definitely not in the know about the dating scene… but this sounds very incel-y to me.

If you’re objectively getting this kind of response, it may be that you’re pursuing the wrong type of person, or you should work on your approach. Every person is an individual, you gotta treat each person as an individual.

[–] Knusper@feddit.de 16 points 9 months ago

I'm pretty sure, that was a hyperbole, not an actual, verbatim response. Most girls won't actually say these things, because that would say a lot more (that they're conceited). But you can often tell that they're overthinking it from their reaction, which is of course difficult to portray with words.

But yeah, it should be clarified that girls are not to blame for this. Society as a whole, both men and women, are involved in passing this non-sense continually onwards.

[–] michaelrose@lemmy.ml 7 points 9 months ago

I don't think the person was saying they would really say that they are saying that they are pointlessly calling out the elephant in the room. As a teenage girl if you aren't a gargoyle literally every teenage boy is thinking about you sexually because that is the level of hormonal reality. It's like saying stop talking to me you just have 2 eyes and 2 arms.

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 7 points 9 months ago (8 children)

Not if you are old enough. The only nice part about being in my early 40s is that when I tell someone that, "yes, I'm that picky/shallow," they seem to just accept it and move on. I'm old enough that when I tell someone "this is the bare minimum that I expect," they accept that and move on.

The only strange part for me at this point is that the bare minimum I expect is that you a) are able to take care of your own needs, just as I do, b) are keeping up with your exercise routine, and will be willing to help both of us in pushing each other to better heights, and c) you aren't vapid, and can actually hold a conversation. I'm not interested in being your professor/father/educator exclusively. I want to challenge you, just as much as you challenge me.

Literally every potential partner I have met cannot fulfill these, IMHO, pretty basic requirements. The only real benefit of being this shallow/picky is that now people finally respect my choices.

[–] aksdb@feddit.de 6 points 9 months ago (1 children)

a sounds reasonable. But b and c sound like big expectations where I would doubt that I could fulfill them all the time and then I would disappoint. So these two points sound to me like a lot of pressure.

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

They are a lot of pressure. They are the same pressure I put on myself, so yeah. Not many people push themselves the way I do, so not many people would even want to live my lifestyle. Especially as it isn't very rewarding in a material sense.

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[–] Theharpyeagle@lemmy.world 6 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I mean, it may depend on the context, but I think it's pretty reasonable to feel uncomfortable if it's apparent that someone is thinking about having sex with you while you're just trying to have a conversation.

[–] Knusper@feddit.de 5 points 9 months ago

I'm not at all trying to say that I don't think that's reasonable. I'm complaining that I don't feel like I have an influence on the matter.

Sometimes, you accidentally say something with a double meaning that can be interpreted sexually and it's the girl who points that out and then assumes you're thinking perverted things, because she's been told anyone with a penis does that all the time.

I am annoyed by that, because I'm a big fan of girls and don't want to convey that they're just meat to entertain my sexuality. If you're reading me as a tone-deaf pervert, that will not make sense.

[–] NightAuthor@lemmy.world 22 points 9 months ago

It’s cool my man, just find a partner with a similar sex drive or be open to atypical relationships. My wife has a fairly low sex drive, and mine’s not crazy but the disparity can be rough.

There’s almost certainly groups of people who feel like you do online, so if you want to, I’m sure you can find a place that feels super accepting.

But yeah, toxic masculinity/patriarchy is a bitch.

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[–] ImplyingImplications@lemmy.ca 75 points 9 months ago (8 children)

It's not a stereotype when scientific studies tend to confirm it.

Sex drive: Theoretical conceptualization and meta-analytic review of gender differences

The meta-analysis revealed a stronger sex drive in men compared to women, with a medium-to-large effect size, g = 0.69, 95% CI [0.58, 0.81]. Men more often think and fantasize about sex, more often experience sexual affect like desire, and more often engage in masturbation than women.

Is There a Gender Difference in Strength of Sex Drive? Theoretical Views, Conceptual Distinctions, and a Review of Relevant Evidence

Across many different studies and measures, men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women, as reflected in spontaneous thoughts about sex, frequency and variety of sexual fantasies, desired frequency of intercourse, desired number of partners, masturbation, liking for various sexual practices, willingness to forego sex, initiating versus refusing sex, making sacrifices for sex, and other measures. No contrary findings (indicating stronger sexual motivation among women) were found. Hence we conclude that the male sex drive is stronger than the female sex drive.

[–] AllonzeeLV@lemmy.world 114 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (2 children)

Stereotypes often tend to have some truth to them, that's why they became Stereotypes.

The trick is to never to assign a stereotype to an individual automatically.

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[–] Knusper@feddit.de 31 points 9 months ago

It is still a stereotype that "boys only want sex". Those studies suggest a higher sexual drive on average, not that it applies for all boys, and certainly not that it's the only thing boys want.

[–] bouh@lemmy.world 19 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Our whole culture is about conditioning men and women to get this result though.

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[–] JokeDeity@lemm.ee 14 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Purely speaking from my anecdotal experiences, I have far more instances of getting aroused than my partners, but their sexual preferences are WAY more extreme. Most of the girls I've been with have wanted extremely rough sex, which I'm not even remotely into. They're also way way more voyeuristic than I ever will be, often wanting to share sexy photos online for the entire world to enjoy or showing interest in making online porn. So yeah, I want to bang more often, but they definitely are far more deviant than I am.

[–] eestileib@sh.itjust.works 15 points 9 months ago

You're a freak magnet, baby!

[–] bandario@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 9 months ago (11 children)

You only need to inject testosterone once to understand why this is the case.

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[–] NightAuthor@lemmy.world 4 points 9 months ago

I wonder if these findings have been supported by female lead research.

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[–] ipkpjersi@lemmy.ml 37 points 9 months ago (1 children)

And they say that women are hornier than men, shaking my smh my head

[–] BackOnMyBS@lemmy.world 14 points 9 months ago

i lol'd out loud

[–] Uniquitous@lemmy.one 26 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Stereotypes are valid first-order approximations!

[–] stebo02@sopuli.xyz 13 points 9 months ago

Just wanted to add that you can find the second-order alpha male energy correction by calculating ∑_{m≠n}(|<ψ_n^(0)|V|ψ_m^(0)>|^2)/(E_n^(0) - E_m^(0)) if anyone was wondering

[–] Panurge987@lemmy.world 12 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] Shard@lemmy.world 26 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I wanna stereotype my balls in your mouth doesn't quite have the same ring to it...

[–] teruma@lemmy.world 8 points 9 months ago (2 children)
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[–] healer_56@lemmy.world 12 points 9 months ago (1 children)

thats not what stigma means

[–] Nobsi@feddit.de 12 points 9 months ago

Stigma male grindset

[–] SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz 12 points 9 months ago (17 children)

Legit question: if you're with a guy, will he (typically) be looking forward to eventually having sex?

[–] ZoopZeZoop@lemmy.world 49 points 9 months ago

If you are both sexual people, I should hope you are both looking forward to it when you are both ready.

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 21 points 9 months ago

As in if you're in a relationship with a man, will he be looking forward to having sex?

In the vast majority of cases the answer is yes, in a minority of cases the answer is that the person is asexual or simply insecure about their sexuality.

That's a discussion you need to have with your partner if you're questioning yourself.

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[–] GrammatonCleric@lemmy.world 10 points 9 months ago
[–] EmperorHenry@discuss.tchncs.de 8 points 9 months ago
[–] tilcica@lemm.ee 5 points 9 months ago

yeah! the only thing i've wanted for a while. now was a reason to live >:(

^(sex would be a great alternative tho)

[–] ohlaph@lemmy.world 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] Gaspar@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I promise from now on that I will stand for the opposite... gnodab.

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