No Stupid Questions

It doesn't sound like you need any help getting people to not talk to you, but I think making you not appear to be an asshole might be beyond the scope of a lemmy post.

Most people really aren't that interested in you, they just expect a certain level of acknowledgement. You don't have to be entertaining, just ask a few basic questions like 'How's the family?' or 'Big plans for the holiday?'

You're probably spending more time trying to stay away from people then you'd have to spend actually interacting with them.

But if you absolutely refuse to talk to people, just keep a clipboard with you all the time. If they come over pretend you're taking notes.

It sounds from your post and your replies here that you resent people trying to be friendly.

Typical jobs pay for your time, not your work product (which is an entirely separate conversation) and it would be mind numbing to try to work straight for 8 hours at a time. Workers are expected to take breaks, and humans are social creatures. Knowing a little bit about the person next to you fosters trust and empathy, two things that encourage cooperation and productivity.

If you care about your coworker, you will help them when they ask. If you care about all of your coworkers, you'll work harder for the company that employs all of you. This is a fundamental aspect of the employer/employee relationship.

It also helps pass the time. Pleasant social interactions are fun and entertaining for most people. A lot of people also know how it feels to be left out, and try to include outsiders if they think someone might be feeling lonely.

Conversely, working next to someone cam be m pop liserable and distracting when that person is a mystery, is silent or unpleasant, or somehow makes people feel uncomfortable.

Your coworkers are showing an interes in you because they want to make their day more bearable and also make you to feel included. If you don't like it, you should say so and explain yourself. Chances are, they will understand that you don't enjoy social interactions and leave you alone without creating any animosity. Most people understand what an introvert is. "I don't like talking about myself," is a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

"You talking to me keeps me here longer than I want to be," is rude, arrogant, and will make people actively dislike you.

Recognize that their interest in you is a kindness, at least from their perspective, and to treat it like a burden is an insult.

Just say "Sorry, I have some urgent work to do. We'll talk later". People don't care, no one will think you're an asshole. You can say it right after 'hello' or after quick exchange. I mostly avoid talking to people at work. I have my ANC headphones, sit at my desk and do my job/browse lemmy most of the time. But when people need help with something I do it fast and without needless bureaucracy so a lot of people know me as a reliable guy. After all it's work. Be polite, be professional, do your job and you'll be fine. And if you meet someone who's fun to talk to have lunch with them from time to time.

This isn’t really an answer, but I managed to find a fully remote job with minimal meetings. I can engage with my coworkers over Teams chat, but most of the time we leave each other alone. I like everyone I work with, but like you I’m not looking for a friendship.

The world is made by extroverts.

So do extroverts think, but introverts can definitely live their lives in a different way.

What do you say to stop conversation organically?

I just tell them that I have to go. It doesn't have to be rude, that's just the way life is. The intonation of your voice can change the perception of the message too

Here's a Midwestern trick for you. Find a lull in the conversation, then use the word "Welp!" and then press your lips together into that flat emoji face 😐. Generally that's all you need to say to indicate, "regretfully, I need to move on from this interaction now", and both parties can give their requisite goodbyes before dispersing. If that didn't get the hint across, throw in a "Alright, well, I'm gonna let you get back to it", which obviously sounds nicer than "you need to release me from the conversation chokehold you've got me in and let me get back to it", but means the same thing. If they keep talking after that, then they're the asshole and you can now directly shut down the conversation without the stigma. But don't forget to apologize for needing to do something other than entertain them and ask their permission to do otherwise, and then thank them when they grant your reprieve. Something like, "Sorry, if it's alright, I really need to buckle down on this. Can we chat later? Thank you!"

This submissive, conflict-avoidance, time-management solution technique is brought to you courtesy of generations of the painfully polite and non-confrontational interacting with the overly friendly and chatty that defines the culture and the history of the Midwest. In Indiana, that's as much a daily fixture of our way of life as riding past corn fields stretched to the horizon, the joy of confirming from their license plate that the shitty driver is indeed a Buckeye, and a general obsession with basketball that borders on psychosis.

I have observed that people are eager to help you if you give them attention.

People that like you are more likely to help you. If you tell them to fuck off they're not going to like you, and they're not going to help you. And they make just make your life worse depending on how much of an ass you are. They're probably trying to talk to you because they see you (presumably) looking miserable and want to be nice.

It’s a means to an end.

If that's your only view of jobs you'll probably never find one that will make you happy. Have you considered finding a different job that you'd actually enjoy? You're much more likely to enjoy talking to your co workers when you're surrounded by likeminded people.

There's a small number of surprisingly aggressive and unhelpful responses here. People are different and the world, especially the workplace, is made by extroverts and that can be difficult for those of us that are more introverted.

In an ideal world your colleagues would be mindful of that but unfortunately that's often not the case (and of course extroverts often don't engage in a whole lot of self reflection).

You're going to have to put up with a bit of annoying small talk. Try to find something that's a compromise you can live with. After that I'd say being polite but direct is best... nice chatting but I need to get back to work. No further elaboration is required.

You can also try telling some people that you're not a big chatter or something and that you like to just get on with work. See how that goes, people are often more understanding than you would expect.

(I should say I live in the UK and work in a technical industry so YMMV).

I'm an introvert too and I feel you, but if you work in an office, part of your work is having conversations, taking cofee with your workmates and such. As you have said, it helps getting help from them and getting favours.

Literally in an office work they pay you to do this bonding that allows you to do your work better. You are expected to take time to do that things. Think about it as if it is some task that you don't like but is part of your job.

Answer their question with questions. If they ask about your weekend all about their's then followup on a detail. They will talk for a couple minutes then end with some version of "hey great chat but I need to get a couple things done". If you want to remain approachable you need to give people the chance to talk but also don't really need to share much of yourself. Keep tabs on the easy things(kids, spouse, etc) and you have a lot of variations of very basic questions for a short conversation. How's kid liking school? Did you and spouse have a nice weekend? Then one or two follow up questions to them and you can end the conversation without the other person feeling like you blew them off.

I'm as vague and boring as possible when it comes to personal details in a professional context. I try not to talk about anything other than work related topics. I'm friendly, polite, and generally helpful towards my coworkers but I keep a solid wall between personal and professional so if it's not work related I'm engaging at the bare minimum to avoid explicit rudeness and that's about it.

Be friendly but super boring. Fuzzy gray rock.

As others have said, they just want to talk about themselves, humble brag, and make sure you're not a "creep". Best way is to let them get it out of their system...but bore them at the same time. More art than science, but with practice you'll get it.

Example...

Them: "Doing any fun vacations this year?"

You: "Maybe the beach, not sure yet."

Them: blah blah blah brag brag brag.

You: mmm-hmmmm

The key is lack of detail. Don't give them anything solid to grab onto, e.g. "beach" not "Disney World".

I talk about stuff that holds no interest to them.

I get you, I don't like going to the office, I hate small talk, I feel I'm not productive because people keep talking, too. That being said the proper response is to answer the pleasantries greet people and be nice, afterwards you put your headphones and work, even if you're not listening to music a good ANC headphone is a good investment, and people will only try to talk to you for important things, because they won't poke someone to ask them about their day or other similar stuff.

Short answers work best. "oh hey do you have any plans this weekend? "Yes." Conversation over. Someone asks you how you are, your answer is "fine, thank you" and you move along. You're polite and you've satisfied all they've given you. It won't work all the time, there are some people who are more interested in talking at you instead of with you. For those, I recommend starting the conversation with an exit. "Oh hey, I'd love to chat, but I only have a couple minutes." You can now walk away pretty much whenever and it's not like you didn't tell them, it was the first thing you said.