beebarfbadger

Because it's too expensive to crunch up a whole iPhone just for one cone.

Trump sues mirror for making him look ugly.

I'm slightly fed up with being promised that going meat free will get me a livable planet when I retire because I have fucking delivered my end of the bargain. I want my livable planet now.

It's like

"You can improve our situation if you grab a thimble and start scooping water out of the boat now."

"There's still the giant hole in the hull that brings in a lot more water than my little thimble can deal with. What do we do about that?"

"Shut up and keep scooping :D"

That's all it took. The crisis has actually been over for ages ever since I have stopped eating meat. I've done it.

you should be good

Good news, the planet is now no longer on a direct course towards being rendered inhabitable due to being destroyed for profit. I. AM. GOOD.

Problem solved. Thank you so much on behalf of all future generations of the planet.

"Wouldn't it be great if everybody gave my AI company money?"

"For doing what?"

"... I don't follow."

"Okay, but I don't see why we can't revisit my suggestion to send the Pinkertons to all owners of the original version and have them break their kneecaps if they don't give us all the money they have."

"With all due respect sir, that is... Have you read the brief that Legal sent you on that matter?"

"I skimmed it... but I'm not convinced."

By God, you're right! It was me all along. I am to blame for Climate Change! Sorry guys. I'll stop Climate Change this instant. Sorry again.

They're instead letting an AI generate their stock price. It is a number now.

Sounds good. I'll start by telling all my corporations that blast the majority of CO2 emissions worldwide into the air to slow it down a bit.

The bridge crew all fall out of their seats, some consoles explode and one ensign will have to go to sick bay with burns on their- oh. Oooh, nevermind.

It's especially important to get all the children, women and elderly people who have literally zero influence on anything and to then extinguish the entire basis for their livelihoods wholesale. In fact, they're the easiest to punish for whatever someone else has done or is doing or will do -doesn't matter, excuses will be made up- because they can't defend themselves when you take everything they own. Galaxy brain material here, truly.

You forgot your /s tag btw.

I am sorry that kicking the Eurotrash invaders and their descendants off your continent didn't work out for you and in the end you were jammed into special reservations without being reimbursed for all the land theft after all.