this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 9 points 23 hours ago

Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time

[–] SuspiciousUser@lemmy.ml 45 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (3 children)

Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.

You are a master of imagery.

[–] PagPag@lemmy.world 11 points 1 day ago

You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.

I lol’d

[–] JackbyDev@programming.dev 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I'm not gonna pressure wash my tush, that's a terrible metaphor! Too much power!

[–] SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (2 children)

Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome "deep clean", not recommended as a surprise.

You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I'd be fine. "It has a dial," I thought to myself, "I just won't crank it up all the way." I'm an idiot.

The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you're feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.

I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim... my aim was perfect. Bullseye.

In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn't just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched "eeeep!", but I don't remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the "fifth base" of legend.

I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

I have never used a bidet.

What I do use with every shit is a bidet shower.

You get a nice gentle but strong enough stream which you control all the time.

Also, I never shoot it directly at my anus, but more like from an angle, so even if it suddenly had 10x the flow, it wouldn't go into my arse.

Pretty much every single bathroom in Finland has these. As in even gas stations and bar toilets usually have one stall with a sink in the stall and a bidet shower attached.

[–] clickyello@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

this is a work of fucking art

[–] kandoh@reddthat.com 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Everyone has a 3% chance at colon cancer and fibre supplements are a good way to reduce your chances

[–] HereIAm@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

But then everyone doesn't have a 3% chance 🤔 /s

[–] TomAwsm@lemmy.world 10 points 1 day ago (4 children)

No no, if your chances go down, someone else's goes up. Sucks, but you gotta watch out for number one.

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[–] specterspectre@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago

Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won't stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.

[–] Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml 17 points 1 day ago

So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?

[–] MetalMachine@feddit.nl 9 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.

[–] stom@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

A watering can? Like, for plants?

[–] MetalMachine@feddit.nl 1 points 21 hours ago

Yes, I did some searching and I suppose something like a "lota" would be more accurate. But a watering can with 1 hole rather than many

[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (6 children)

Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.

Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.

If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.

[–] stinky@redlemmy.com 16 points 1 day ago

anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)

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[–] OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 16 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Bidets... You don't have bidets?

[–] AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee 28 points 1 day ago

Nah he didn't even run for reelection

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 164 points 2 days ago (7 children)

Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you're shitting.

[–] EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 57 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don't have to waste time later on

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[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago (1 children)
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[–] Joejoebinkz1@sh.itjust.works 142 points 2 days ago (2 children)
[–] kautau@lemmy.world 92 points 2 days ago (6 children)

I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line

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[–] passiveaggressivesonar@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Wet the paper using the sink

[–] AlDente@sh.itjust.works 15 points 1 day ago (1 children)
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[–] bhamlin@lemmy.world 10 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Why? The toilet is literally right there.

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[–] tibi@lemmy.world 23 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.

[–] pearsaltchocolatebar@discuss.online 27 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.

[–] Worx@lemmynsfw.com 15 points 1 day ago (4 children)

How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?

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[–] Donkter@lemmy.world 37 points 2 days ago

Why would I stop wiping? There's still blood back there!

[–] rambling_lunatic@sh.itjust.works 61 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Eventually there is blood but no shit.

Better red than bidet!

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[–] HawlSera@lemm.ee 19 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.

The blood is likely from a popped hemroid

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[–] recreationalcatheter@lemm.ee 26 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I wipe homeopathically.

0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.

[–] Presently42@lemmy.ca 11 points 1 day ago (2 children)

0.5 mm²of what? 0.5 MM² OF WHAT??

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[–] Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 95 points 2 days ago (8 children)
[–] quixotic120@lemmy.world 72 points 2 days ago (9 children)

I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange

Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”

Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”

I think about that exchange more often than I should

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[–] Irelephant@lemm.ee 22 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Y'all need jesus and fibre.

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[–] whome@discuss.tchncs.de 8 points 1 day ago

You need to shit some more. There is still ink in the pen.

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