No Stupid Questions

Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you're a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.

You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you're already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don't really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it'll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it's subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.

Then take it to your mom and she'll take the head and feathers off for dinner.

Best of luck brother.

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

I need this on a T-shirt.

Seriously, this is the best thing I have seen on the Internet in a long time. It's like I'm in 2013 all over again. Lol.

Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don't bite, tear, or chew. I've never seen one try to peck anything. They're certainly not built for that.

If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.

Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if you were to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.

Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.

I'm gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.

You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying. If it comes for your eyes or face, even your weakest punch will give it pause.

Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that's really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.

My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you'll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they'll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.

It is a fight you can't win good Sir or Madame.

We were on a Zoo trip during summer camp, me and my brother and a bunch of other kids from our judo class. Mostly early teens.

Certain areas in the Zoo had free roaming animals, mostly kangaroos, emu, peacocks, some ponies, goats and sheep. A couple kids had the great idea to pester the pelicans. Pelican are a funny bunch that keep begging for treats with their giant beaks open and waddling around. They look less than threatening, although they have that frowny looking eye.

Anyway the kids decided it'd be fun to take turns spitting into the beaks of one particular giant pelican instead of giving it treats. It didn't really like it but the kids kept persisting, daring to lean in closer and closer into the pelican's wide open beak. Finally my stupid little brother in the spur of the moment thought he'd show the other kids how it's done. He ran up to the pelican, leaned in really close and spit the most nasty wad into its beak. At that moment the pelican turned its head sideways and

*** CLAP ***

I'll never forget the sight of my brothers head being completely engulfed by a giant beak.

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The grab only lasted for a blink of an eye. My brother didn't even have time to realize what happened and struggle against it. He came out with a surprised and slightly scratched face. The surprise turned into a grin and then laughter within seconds.

Nevertheless, the pelican gained the respect from the kids and they've stopped pestering it. But somehow I imagine that this is basically the worst they can do. Give you a stereo-slap on your ears with their beak. You are safe against that brown pelican.

Be glad it's not a cobra chicken.

OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing

https://vid.pr0gramm.com/2024/12/14/7648345e7ed04278.mp4

Sometimes it's really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.

I actually have wrestled a bit with a pelican and can say that if you're prepared to take a few scratches you'll be able to hold one down. You just have to hold the beak and wings, once you've got it pinned their legs are too short to really get at you.

Admittedly the pelican in question wasn't operating at full potential (recovering from a wound) but I was in my early teens at the time so wasn't exactly an example of peak physical performance myself.

Real answer?

Don't fight the pelican. The law is on their side, for one thing.

No I don't think you could hold it away from you without hurting it or you. No I don't think it has any intention of harming you, unless you are a fish. Walk on by, it will either just sit there or fly away.

I wouldn't worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don't risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do

They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest... I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere... The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves

I wouldn't worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly

I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.