Ask Lemmy

Fuck the party just do a dinner with your wife, mom and dad.

I used to be like you, thinking there was nothing special about a birthday and not wanting a party. But, if you flip it around, the party isn't really about you ironically. It's about those you care about actually wanting to celebrate you, and that's a pretty special thing in my book. Who cares how many, there are people who love you who want to make you feel special, and it makes them feel good throwing something, so just have a good time.

Now, if you don't want a big thing, then just be honest with them. Something as simple as "I really do appreciate the thought, but honestly I would have just as much fun going to <> and sharing a glass of wine with you all." Let them know how they can make it special for you, and then just have a good evening. Find something you enjoy like that that they'll feel good treating you, and enjoy the people who love you :)

Just know that for some reason turning 30 is dreadful, but being thirty is the absolute bomb. Your best age is to come now.

I kinda felt like you, with everyone going on about how you have to celebrate the big three. So I treated myself to a yoga retreat in a mountain cabin. Spent the day relaxing and looking inward.

For my birthday I want my friends to throw me a surprise party where I get euthanized

It's not just you. That pretty much is your thirties. Most of the people I know in their 20's (at least their early 20's) are still making a point to hang out. Most of the guys over 60 are playing golf or getting a beer.

And then there's my group: the ones who are working at their job all day, working at the endless list of projects around the house in the evenings, and spending the few spare moments they have in between with their family.

Sometimes I think maybe it would be nice to have more actual friends. But it doesn't really bother me that I don't. I'm pretty busy being a husband and a dad and everything in between and I'm happy with where I'm at right now. I know the way things are now is not permanent and nothing is set in stone.

On another note, the 30's are good times. My favorite decade so far. Not always fun, but still good.

Just become someone that doesn't really make a big todo about their birthday. It's so liberating.

I turned 40 not long ago and I couldn't tell you what I did. Probably bought myself a box of doughnuts.

It's also okay to be weird about your birthday. Lots of people are. Just do whatever feels right.

Well, take advantage of the group being small and go do something you enjoy and take them all, it can be an outdoor activity, an amusement park, museum, something you like and im sure the people will also like the experience. Take a small cake just to blow the candles and have a good time with all the people you care about. Don't compare yourself to others, do it in a way you enjoy and share it with who matters.

I have not had a birthday party in 31 years. I really would like one again.

I managed to entirely avoid my birthday last year for the first time ever and I felt mixed. I'm sad when I have a birthday and sad when I don't. Do you want to be sad alone or sad with people? On my own the sadness was brief since I could just do something I liked, but with family (the usual) it feels worse since it's like 4 hours of thing I don't want to do. I guess that's how I'd think about it now.

I have not liked birthdays in adulthood and im not even sure if I ever like them all that much. I think I have to go back to when they were about possible toys.

What you really want is to just be like "fuck it" and 4 of you all or less just fly to Vegas for the weekend and do dumb stuff.

Remove the birthday aspect and think about what sounds enjoyable. Maybe you start with a night out with your SO. Ok, does adding more people sound better, about the same, worse?

I think you are mixing a party for other people and a party for yourself. Both are fine, but they may not be compatible with each other.

My friends brought me adult diapers and canes and walkers, but then I ended up having a threesome with 2 of the girls who showed up at the party. Don’t knock 30, man.

Nope.

It's just another day. I take myself out to do things all the time, and that's party enough.

I threw an end of summer BBQ and invited a bunch of friends and family. I didn’t sweat who could make it or not, it was just great to see a bunch of friends. I didn’t even mention it was the day after my birthday.

Point is you may be too old for a birthday party, but you’re never too old to hang out with friends.

when my wife, mom and dad ask about what I want for a party

Tell them what you want for your birthday, even if it's 'something quiet and small' or anything along those lines, give them time to respect your wishes. I went on a nature walk with my wife for my 40th, blew the minds of my super-extroverted in-laws, but hey, that's me, who I am.

When people start assuming you'd want something even though you don't, might make you feel obligated to do that something, might make you feel weird for not wanting to, but you're you and they might be having a hard time wrapping their head around it (might ask you 'really' multiple times), but do you and they'll respect it

Happy birthday friend! I recently turned 30 myself. Like you, I've lost contact with most of the people I called my friends when growing up. To make matters worse, I've moved out of my hometown so I'm also geographically cut off.

I still have some days where I wish it wasn't so, but overall I'm okay with my current social circle.

A friend of mine did something similar to your wife, except with four other people - a combined 150th celebration. Rented out a community center and invited a whole bunch of people. I was thinking shit, do I need this for my 30th too?

I'm mostly pretty reserved and kinda socially awkward, and I don't have a big group of friends. A few people I studied with, and that's it. So when the time came, I didn't really know who to invite, but I also had the same expectations of having a huge party.

I ended up having a BBQ with the aforementioned group I studied with. Another one in that group also turned 30 recently, so we did a combined 60th, which was fun. I think we had around 15 people at the peak, so it was a decent party in the end. Some of my invitees, some of my friend's. I was not looking forward to it, and I was really stressed about it in the week before. I was almost on the verge of canceling, cause I didn't know who'd be coming or if it was just gonna be an awkward disaster. At first it was awkward for sure, but eventually when more people showed up it was pretty fun! Me and my SO actually ended up enjoying being hosts, and I think the guests thought it was fun too.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't really matter what people might expect, and while it might not be something you look forward to right now, I think you'll enjoy it the day of, no matter the size of the celebration. Like someone else mentioned it's a gathering of people you care about, that care about you and are there for you. And that's a good time no matter what.

It's actually normal for a married man to lose his "separate" friends and end up becoming more family-oriented and friends with his wife's friends. Or, if he doesn't end up being in that group, he may end up turning towards work for some of that same camaraderie.

Your situation sucks. It's not uncommon though. I hope that takes the pressure off of you.

30 is a bit of an arbitrary number. Maybe you could make 31 or 32 the big year, and focus on trying to find new friends (or rekindle old friendships) until then. It's harder than it was when you were younger. But if you had friends before, you can probably do it again!

Don't feel embarrassed about your situation. Don't feel embarrassed about inviting your wife's friends (as long as you actually like them, of course).

Your birthday is ultimately about you. Not putting on a show or proving anything to anyone else.

Happy birthday, and wishing you many more ahead with many loved ones. Family and friends.

Sorry

My birthdays have always been more low key, family and close friends only most of the time. I have always preferred it that way. If I wanted to party with my friends, we'd just go party because we wanted to, not necessarily because it was someone's birthday.

My 40th is in 2 days and my wife has been bugging me for gift ideas and activity ideas. All I wanted (and what’s happening) is a dinner at a restaurant with my wife. She surprised me with a small surprise birthday dinner there early on in our dating and it’s my favorite thing to do for my birthday.

Maybe you have to ask yourself if it really matters that much to you, to host a party and do stuff your relevant others do. Sometimes when you actually feel better with having the life you have maybe thats a good thing. Often times the feeling of not being the person you think you should be makes you feel worse than just being true to yourself. Do what makes you happy, even if that doesn‘t satisfy the wishes of your 21 y/o self :)