If you hit on every single person of the gender that you like at one gym, they'll probably start to feel like you really just want just anyone who will say yes. They'll probably feel like you don't like them for them, and that you're just trying to keep your bed warm. Most people who want relationships want to be with someone who likes them individually as a person. Try not to write "scripts" for the situation in your head too much, either. If you do, it might crash and burn the second that someone goes off of that "script".

It's kind of tragic how all of this has become. A relationship likely won't fix any problems you might have with yourself, nor would it fix most of the other aspects of your life. A partner will also have their own needs and wants, and you should try to have room to provide some of that before you start dating.

Don't listen to guys like Tate. If he really had good advice, more people from his fan base would be in a happy relationship now, no? He makes money by making you continue to watch his videos. That's all he cares about. He's giving you bad advice so he can keep making money off of your sadness. That's not a bro thing to do.

Don't follow the plot of any rom-coms. That behaviour is usually a fantastic way to get a restraining order and absolutely ruin any chances you might have had with that person.

Find the little things that make you happy. Gardening? MTG? Video games? Hockey? Drawing? MMA? Take the time to properly enjoy those things that you love with the people who are already around you. It will help build some of that confidence. Let youself be passionate about your hobbies sometimes. It's ok, I promise.

Try not to worry too much if you mess up or if you ruin your chances with one person. There are over 8 billion people on earth, so there's almost always someone else you can try with. NO ONE succeeds 100% of the time, and that is more than OK. That is human.

Don't beat yourself up over not succeeding right away. Unless you are literally currently on your death bed, you still have time.

Outside of the dating stuff, be kind to youself, and try to make sure you're taking care of yourself. Self care isn't just fitness and healthy eating. Sometimes could be having pizza in the bath, sometimes it might be playing DnD over multiple continents, sometimes it might be watching cartoons, and sometimes it could even be something like skincare. Your happiness is important, and you should treat it as such.

As long as it doesn't harm anyone else in the process, please do what you need to do to feel happy. Life is too short to pause your happiness for someone who hasn't shown up yet. Life is too short to wait to improve things until you meet someone who hasn't shown up yet.

You deserve happiness, and the sooner you acknowledge that, the better. Find happiness despite what life might throw at you. Try to find joy even in chaos, and always remember that bad feelings usually don't last forever. You can get through these hard times.

[–] SomethingBurger@jlai.lu 8 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Try not to write "scripts" for the situation in your head too much, either.

How else do you expect me to interact with people?

Take the time to properly enjoy those things that you love with the people who are already around you.

Who?

[–] TheDarksteel94@sopuli.xyz 12 points 9 months ago (1 children)

If you don't have anyone, then look for hobby groups. There's groups out there for almost any hobby, so you can get to know people through that. Doesn't even have to be in person, if the thought of meeting new people irl triggers your anxiety. And if you're bad at talking to people then you need to practice, fail and learn from your mistakes.

If you have the desire to improve, you'll manage. Just take it slow and don't force yourself to get into very uncomfortable or new situations right away. Like, for example, big parties.

Over time, you'll get better at improvising during conversations and you'll get more confident. And if there's people who try to shit on you for trying your best, don't worry. They're actually a lot more insecure then you'll ever be at that point.

[–] SomethingBurger@jlai.lu 4 points 9 months ago (2 children)

There's groups out there for almost any hobby, so you can get to know people through that.

This advice only works for normal people. I've been going to the weightlifting gym and the bouldering gym at least twice a week for 3 years now, and I didn't meet anyone.

[–] TheDarksteel94@sopuli.xyz 5 points 9 months ago

To be fair, I wouldn't necessarily consider the gym a place to meet people either. Most people there just do their thing and go home. 😅

If you really want to connect with people there you could ask someone to either spot you or ask them about something else related to the gym. Although I would consider that pretty advanced already. Sometimes a simple greeting whenever you're there or some small talk is enough practice for a while. Even if it's just the person at the reception or the person that you see there all the time. It helps.

Personally, I was forced to get good at talking to people through my job, but I used to get literal panic attacks before making phone calls. I still stutter from time to time, but only when I'm not focused (which is hard for me too lol). Also, therapy helps a lot for certain things, group therapy can be good too (also can be great for meeting new people).

I sometimes compare life in general to an Elder Scrolls game in my mind. You start out with shit stats, maybe some bonus stats. And then you have to work on each of those things to get them to a decent level so you can fend for yourself. If I achieve something difficult, I sometimes imagine myself leveling up. Sounds, pop-ups, the whole thing. 😁

Sorry for the wall of text btw, it happened so quickly lol.

[–] snek@lemmy.world 2 points 9 months ago (1 children)

No one at the bouldering gym? What country/state do you live in? I've been to two different bouldering gyms and got the impression that it's one place where people happily help each other or discuss techniques or challenge each other to go up walls. This, however, is my experience in northern Europe in a city where this is a somewhat common sport to play.

[–] SomethingBurger@jlai.lu 2 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (2 children)

South of France. The gym is often crowded and people talk to each other, just not with me.

[–] snek@lemmy.world 3 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Are you trying/hoping to meet someone there?

[–] SomethingBurger@jlai.lu -1 points 9 months ago

Trying no, hoping yes.

[–] Glemek@lemmy.world 1 points 9 months ago

Are there other bouldering gyms around, you might tey a smaller more neighborhood sized gym? Where I live there are a few, and I can't imagine making real friends at the big crowded ones, but I'm a little over a year in and have made lots of acquaintances at my smaller gym. Only have done something outside of the gym with one person though, and it was pretty low impact, just online gaming. It does feel like progress though.

As for a "script" I basically just introduce myself after I've seen someone a few times regularly, (Hey, I've seen ypu around a bunch at the same times as me, I'm Glemek.) or if a conversation happened naturally. Which usually starts with an offer for advice on a problem they are working, or generally commiserating about a difficult problem.

My gym can be crowded but usually is pretty sparse when I am there, but I basically just try to be friendly to everyone, be an encouraging presence at the gym, and see if there are people who would make sense to be potential outside the gym friends.

[–] BattleScarredFox@lemmy.world 3 points 9 months ago

That's maybe the most helpful and positive thing I've seen on a shitpost. And honestly, I needed to hear some of that, so thank you.

[–] Katana314@lemmy.world -3 points 9 months ago

I’ve followed this advice exactly for many years, and it lead me to a simple conclusion: These things that make me happy don’t connect in any way to relationship possibilities, and relationships will not make your life any happier. In short, dating is for chumps.