environmental damage is the answer here.

He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

Anus Tart, very nice

Oh no, it's salt water!

I imagine every now and again an ancient tome speaks to them only for them to roll their eyes and put it in a special chest their parents gave them.

Player 1's father is obviously the Warlord.

Player 2's father is also the Warlord. He killed the father in the same way Darth Vader killed Anakin Skywalker.

Player 3's mother sold their soul for the Warlord to fall in love with her.

Player 4's Father is the Warlord and Player 3's Mother. Except after they got together they settled down for a happily ever after.

This is exactly what I would do if I rolled god like stats

Just go hangout in a whale for a while. Maybe they'll give up.

Cleric's Potent Spellcasting would allow it to double dip on Wisdom. I suspect that's why it's not on their list.

The Barbarian even has advantage on Dex saves!

It was Strange's fault anyway

Life will be fine, not sure about current life forms though.