Ready to kill myself.
I'm tired of struggling everyday for shit that doesn't seem to matter in a world that is on fire with people who hate me.
this post was submitted on 14 Aug 2023
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I'm under some financial and work stress but also enjoying life where I can. Looking forward to a nature hike and seeing Atmosphere live this weekend.
Exhausted. Working 52.5 hours this week between my two jobs.
Good, been trying to understand assembly (I am failing miserably). It's been awesome!
This is an amazing attitude; thank you for sharing your joy with us.
Not great, work is dumb and micromanaging is a pain
Half good, half bad.
Let's start for the bad:
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It's been a week since I stopped taking melatonin before going to sleep. I reach my dreamworld as easily as with the pill, but somehow my sleep is light and I wake up earlier... and I feel sleepy along the day.
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Sometimes I feel like I need to things I did when I wasn't medicated. Like learning this or that language because yes. And giving up shortly after because yes.
Now, the good news:
- I met a woman (transgender) on a dating app. Although she only writes me once per day, while I'm sleeping, we're talking for 5 days already. She seems legit. But given my previous bad experiences dating women from other countries online (again, when I wasn't diagnosed), I've some concerns: Will she want a LDR? How long will it last? ...?
I can say that long distance can be brutal, but also really really can work. I lived an 8 hour time difference from my partner for over 4 years and we just had to work out a system and timing of communication that worked for both of us. Now they're moving over here so that will probably make things easier. I hope it lasts for you both like it did for us :)
I’m at my grandma’s right now (in vacation). It’s been fun since 3 weeks. But I got so many projects to finish with friends, there’s this very mysterious military abandoned building we need to explore, etc… and I really want to see them before we get back to class.
Next year will be a hell, I won’t probably even be with them but I have to cope last year of high school.
I’m kinda depressed of being stuck here, I just wish I could explore the city for abandoned places… or anything to do.
I started doing philosophy, thinking when I’m not programming to get out of my depressed mind.
Send help lol
Way I see it, you've got your whole life ahead of you. When you get out of high school and either go to college or join the workforce or learn a trade (I did both; went to college, got a degree in biochemistry and now I do unionized construction [as part of a trade; I operate heavy equipment] for way more money), your entire life opens up. You can do whatever you want with that time, and live your life on your terms.
That said, there's gonna be times ahead that you may be stuck in one town or place. That'll be a good time to familiarize yourself with the area and see what's happening socially. Not just bars or gyms, but clubs, group activities, etc.
Urban exploration was always fun when I was your age, but just be careful. Especially if the abandoned building you and your friends are interested in is military. Never know what they forgot, or who's still watching the place.
Anyway, hang in there, it gets better.
Edit: Also when I say "clubs," I don't mean the dance floor. Hobby clubs.
I had a roof leak about 5 years ago that cause a lot of damage in one of the bedrooms. I fixed the leak but it took a long time to save up to fix the room. Last month I finally had enough money to get it fixed.
On Sunday, tropical storm Hilary caused several roof leaks including over the same bedroom. The ceiling, wall and carpet that I just replaced is destroyed along with a good chunk of ceiling in the garage. I can tear out the drywall in the garage and leave it, but idk how I'm going to afford to fix the roof and the bedroom.
So my week started out with a lot of frustration.
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Supervisor was being a prick last night during our shift, but I'm on 4-10s so I have the weekend now. And I'm unionized, so really whenever the mood strikes me, I can tell said supervisor to blow me. I'll still have a job. Thing is, the guy's like a parasite: if you let him get under your skin, he wins. So I bite my tongue and do my thing, fuck 'em.
Aside from that? Might finish Baldur's Gate 3 this weekend, but I've got errands to run and cleaning to do. Maybe some shopping. All in all, not a bad week. I leave the bullshit at work and live my life.
Week is okay! I've been not making plans with friends because i'm trying to reserve time for applying to new jobs, but spending more time at home has me a lil depressed. it's a small funk, and I'll get over it. It's just hard balancing carving out time for this when life keeps on happening. Reminds me why i've been putting this off for like 2 years now.
I've been tooling around with using GPT4all to write cover letters - tbd if that is worth the effort, but i hate writing cover letters from scratch so i'm willing to put up with a lot of BS if it saves me from that.
Ha, I've been using ChatGPT to write cover letters too! You still have to go in and edit it, but it saves soooooo much time.
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I volunteered to moonlight in a second role at my day job. This week is the first time that the workload has been getting to me. I guess it's just going to be a stressful couple of weeks and then I'll get through it.
I have Baldur's Gate 3 brain rot. I can't stop looking at Astarion fan art.