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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/kayenano on 2024-12-27 03:53:37+00:00.
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Synopsis:
Juliette Contzen is a lazy, good-for-nothing princess. Overshadowed by her siblings, she's left with little to do but nap, read … and occasionally cut the falling raindrops with her sword. Spotted one day by an astonished adventurer, he insists on grading Juliette's swordsmanship, then promptly has a mental breakdown at the result.
Soon after, Juliette is given the news that her kingdom is on the brink of bankruptcy. At threat of being married off, the lazy princess vows to do whatever it takes to maintain her current lifestyle, and taking matters into her own hands, escapes in the middle of the night in order to restore her kingdom's finances.
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Action, Fantasy, Copious Ohohohohos.
Chapter 331: Forwarding Doom
My boots squished against the ground as I led the way, Starlight Grace in hand.
Squished.
Like wet sand. Except this wasn’t quite the golden shoreline of my kingdom.
It was a goblin cave.
Despite my soles having stepped on everything which could either bend or groan, I had utterly no idea what this was. All I knew was that it wasn’t the perilously short carpet being constantly rolled and unrolled before me whenever I visited a forgotten part of the kingdom.
And this part was so forgotten it didn’t exist on any map.
Indeed, these caves were recently excavated.
The scars could still be seen. Broken pickaxes, makeshift shovels and spent bottles of something alchemical littered the ground and the sides of the tunnel, waiting for the first person to apologise to me to pick up.
They were the least problematic things.
Bedrolls made of straw and dead things circled around fires long spent, the soot having melted into the ground. Just as concerning were the burlap sacks happily contaminating the walls. Whatever their contents, they were avoided by even the mice which scurried past without pause.
Yes.
Mice.
The heralds of insomnia. The dancers upon the ceiling. The demons of my nightmares.
They’d come sensing a chance to earn that greatest of prizes.
A princess’s scream of terror.
And this time … they may yet succeed.
A dark stream ran beside my footsteps, its song one of sadness as it was filtered away from the bright mountainside it belonged to. Around it, a strange moss grew on the smooth walls, the bristled ends strangling one another like hateful ivy.
Here and there, a shaft of sunlight breached the surface, yet did little other than to remind me of the warmth beyond this prison.
And everywhere I went, the sound of whispering answered.
Small figures with hunger in their eyes and barbs on their tails scuttled where Starlight Grace failed to reach, their steps joined by an indiscernible dripping, echoing like the drool of some unseen monster.
“Uuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnggggghhhh.”
I tightened my grip around my hilt.
Once again, that dreadful groaning reverberated around us. Whether it was near or far, not even Coppelia could tell. And so I betrayed the smallest gulp.
A goblin cave. But not just any.
It was damp, dark and dirty. But it also possessed its own water supply, came fully furnished with discarded … things, and boasted a major town within walking distance.
A hole barely beholden to secrecy, just about hidden away in the mountains, and with easy access to all the amenities one could ever want.
In short … the dream lair of the royal capital’s nobility.
“A horrifying spectacle,” I said as my heart quivered. “I fear we shall not leave here unscathed.”
My loyal handmaiden, ever steadfast in her duties, braved an unconcerned smile as she looked away from the vegetation on the walls. The strands nearest her retreated.
Understandable. If what I feared came to pass, even the walls themselves would wish to hide.
“Oh, because the cave moss has definitely tried to eat us at least twice? … In that case, don’t worry! That just means they’re healthy.”
I shuddered.
Not just decoration, but carnivorous decoration. I could practically hear the salivating. And it wasn’t from the cave moss.
“I’m afraid the vegetation is the least of our problems. A vermin infestation will soon be upon us. The goblins haven’t just carved out a cave. They’ve fashioned it from the minds of the most uninspired. All the lords of my royal capital will be blocking our exit within seconds of the current tenants leaving. We’ll need to force our way out. Their carriages will litter the horizon.”
“I mean, that’s sort of impressive as well.”
“Indeed, I can’t deny their expedience when it comes to either wriggling free of tax obligations or seeing their least impressive dreams come to fruition. It’s what they train ceaselessly for in their cots.”
“They train to block cave exits?”
“Not just a cave. A lair. Ugh. I can hear the hands rubbing gleefully together already. When the next coup planning committee meets, it will be here.”
Coppelia looked thoughtfully around her.
“Hmm … I dunno. I’ve seen better lairs. I like natural lighting. This one is a bit sparse.”
“Exactly. It is dreadful. A place devoid of both light and life. A cave mirroring the halls of the abyss, with ample room to be filled with all the bats, henchmen and tasteless furniture one could desire, fit for only the most vile of schemes and plots to take place.”
“Okay, now you’re selling me. How much for my own?”
“Dignity and pride.”
“Done~!”
I nodded at Coppelia’s enthusiasm.
Her willingness to sacrifice her standing to remove a lair from public availability was notable. But also a burden which she didn’t need to bear.
“Your courage brings a tear to my eye. But I can hardly have you assume such a thankless responsibility. You’d be hounded day and night for the deed to this cave. And that means so would I.”
“In that case, why not just keep it?”
I gasped at the very suggestion.
“We cannot possibly keep it. That’d be awful. Then we’d be known as the royal family who are beloved by all, cherished for our benevolence, famed for our wisdom, envied for our strength … and also the owners of a cave.”
“But it’s yours by default, right? It’s not like anyone can just appear and say it’s theirs. You know. Like you.”
“True. But while nobility cannot click their fingers to requisition it, such an obstacle is less than a bar of soap to them. Don’t underestimate their obstinance. They’ll see my most loyal bureaucrats bribed or threatened until a map is conveniently discovered proving their ancestral claims to this hole.”
I shook my head.
“... No, I’ll need to dispose of it in one way or another. And seeing what I do now, I know it won’t be long before those who come to admire the continent’s most affordable castle also discover the true prize behind it. For the possibility of owning both, my royal capital would be upended of plotters. A holiday Roland deserves, but not if it results in a waterfall of schemes afterwards.”
“Got it! Then there’s only one thing to do.”
Coppelia promptly puffed out her cheeks. I deflated them with a poke.
“I’m not blowing up a cave.”
“All I’m saying is you’ve blown up a cave before.”
“I have done nothing. And no circumstantial evidence will hold sway over a court of law while I’m standing menacingly over the judge. Besides, loathe as I am to admit this, the cave has value. This region has been known for its silver deposits in the past. The Miner’s Guild might be tempted to purchase it at an inflated cost if further prospecting is a possibility.”
A giggle filled the damp air.
“That’s too practical.”
“Coppelia, how could something be too practical?”
“If it’s too practical, it’s doomed to failure. That’s just how things work.”
I pursed my lips.
There was absolutely no fault with her argument.
“I see … do you have any suggestions?”
“Mmh~ I suggest hoisting it onto a hapless goon instead and seeing what happens. You might be surprised!”
That was absurd ... I wanted to say.
But then again, chaos gardening was also a thing. As impossible as it sounded. A product of too much wine in the Summer Kingdoms, where seeds were tossed without careful thought and left to bloom where they will.
Most resulted in a jungle of weeds, but every now and again, a white peony rose over the vomit of colours and disarray.
“Hmm.” I considered the suggestion with a nod. “Unorthodox, but worthy of consideration. To purposefully offer land to a member of my serving staff would galvanise their work ethics. However, it would also invoke cries of both disbelief and nepotism.”
Coppelia blinked.
“... Is that a bad thing?”
“No, it’s good. But we can do better. Opportunities to earn my nobility’s ire must be fully enjoyed, and few ways are better than a performative gesture of doing things above board. Thus, a cursory sum of say, 1 copper crown, and I shall offer this goblin cave to the most hapless servant in my court. Now with a receipt. The cave would be theirs in perpetuity. Including the litter.”
“What about the loot?”
“Naturally, any valuables squirrelled away by the goblins is reserved for the kingdom.”
“Alrighty! What I hear is that we need to loot everything before the next person does.”
I nodded and smiled, happy she understood...
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