This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/OpinionatedIMO on 2024-12-25 17:38:57+00:00.
Confidential Dossier: Top Secret brief!
(This intercepted alien transmission has been translated from phonetic ‘Yestos’ into English and other languages. Disseminate this official intelligence brief immediately to all appropriate agencies, military authorities, and relevant individuals.)
“High commander, I bid you respectful salutations! May our murky Yestos empire of doom thrive for eternity!
I’ve just completed phase two of our mission to study the fleshy meatbags and their liquid-covered bluish planet. Theirs is an extreme society with chaotic contradictions and puzzling behaviors such as we have never seen. I could hardly believe some of the bizarre activities I witnessed during my covert observational period. I will detail these curious discoveries in the organized report listed below, along with my official recommendations. I am also officially requesting significant leave time to decompress and heal from the disgusting horrors of Earth which I witnessed.
Reproduction and life cycle: The meatbag life cycle varies from individual to individual! To clarify, I have triple confirmed this startling anomaly. They define the duration of their lifespans based upon solar units of their dominant star. Some of these flesh-sacks live many times longer than others! Nutrition, socioeconomic class, and numerous other random factors affect their lifecycle as well.
Regarding reproduction. The news is distasteful and disturbing, Sir. Brace yourself. They utilize a creepy form of chemical bonding known as ‘mating’ or ‘sex’ where one meatbag will share its unique DNA with another of their species via a biological connection tether. As disgusting as it sounds, this pollination tether is placed INSIDE another of their kind to deposit a transfer of… viscous fluids.
Despite hundreds of millions of instructional tutorials which they study intently for practice purposes, the reproductive success rate of these grotesque mating sessions is quite low. At first I thought this news was excellent for us, but I learned these unsuccessful attempts are actually deliberate, in nature. Their fertility rate would ordinarily be very high but they actually avoid completing the full reproductive process! Instead, they mate frequently for enjoyment sake alone!
I shuddered at the thought of such primitive, baffling, ritualistic behavior as you probably are. It speaks of their lurid willingness to practice pointless activities until they’ve perfected it. At any moment they could simply mate and reproduce fully to triple their fighting population! Imagine producing unlimited fleshbag soldiers upon demand! I felt it was imperative I point out the significant military advantage they have over us, but the bad news doesn’t stop there, I’m afraid.
Feeding habits and infrastructure: Meatbag or ‘human’ nutrition comes from an enormous range of terrestrial organic sources. They produce many developing lower species simply for the purpose of feeding themselves! The immature Earthlings even feed off of the adults of the same subspecies at the beginning of their lives. This suckling or ‘breastfeeding’ is a form of accepted cannibalism! The Infants start out feeding on their biological donors in order to toughen themselves or promote the survival of the fittest. At least that’s my working theory.
Then they are taught to eat the flesh of lower creatures in a deliberate act of carnal dominance! Ironically, the lower food supply species fully trust them and do not suspect or fear their own demise. It’s beyond sadistic, but the barbarism doesn’t end there. They also introduce toxins into their own food! (Possibly to immunize against potential biowarfare attacks from enemies like us).
The fact they deliberately inject their food supply with harmful additives and poison the very environment they live in with deadly chemicals speaks volumes! We can’t harm a lunatic species which has already poisoned itself in defiant preparation! They may be vile bags of organic flesh but it’s difficult not to recognize their superior invincibility in matters of clever invasion prep.
Belief systems and determination: The dominant ones have a dizzying array of unusual deities they communicate regularly with. So far I’ve been unable to locate any of these sacred gods but from the undeniable communications I’ve deciphered, their higher beings are omnipotent and all powerful! The humans who pray to them are actually excited about death and the cessation of their lives because they will be reborn into an indestructible, non-corporal form!
That terrifying fact alone makes an invasion of their swampy planet a terrible idea! It would quickly bring utter ruin to our superior civilization. This skin race is dangerous, fiercely primitive, and an unpredictable enigma. I cannot stress deeply enough the importance of avoiding all conflict with them! From everything I have read in their literature and film entertainment media, the meatbags rule the entire universe! They’ve stated this many, many times. We must avoid them at all costs.
Signing off secret transmission, Katorz Tirate of Yestos Three.