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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/Obsequium_Minaris on 2024-12-24 05:10:19+00:00.
XXX
AKA: Balls of Steele
XXX
General Steele led them through the barracks, eventually bringing them to an office. The office was occupied by several lower-ranking NCOs, all of whom turned to look at the General with surprise. The General, for his part, took it in stride.
“Get out.”
Those were the only words that needed to be said. The NCOs vacated the premises so quickly that Owens was surprised they didn’t leave skid marks behind as they left. Once they were gone, General Steele picked up the overturned chair sitting behind the desk, then made himself comfortable before motioning for Petra and Owens to sit down across from him. They both obliged, the diminutive folding chair audibly groaning under Petra’s eight-foot-tall mass of muscle.
“So,” General Steele began. “Private Owens.”
Immediately, Private Owens sat up even straighter than he already was. “Yes, Sir. Present and accounted for, Sir. Willing to do whatever it takes for you to not completely smoke me out, Sir.”
General Steele rolled his eyes, then waved him off. “Yeah, yeah… do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
Owens blinked. “...No offense, Sir, but is this a trick question?”
“That depends on what trick you think I’m playing.”
“Uh…”
“Do you plan on answering any time soon?”
“Yes, Sir. No disciplinary action needed, Sir.” Owens took a breath. “...To answer your question, Sir… I think it’s obvious what I’ve done.”
“Is it? Then you wouldn’t mind enlightening me.”
Private Owens shared a glance with Petra out of the corner of his eye. She shrugged slightly, and he bit his lip before turning back to General Steele.
“I’ve had carnal relations out of wedlock with an alien, Sir.”
“Is that all?” General Steele asked.
“I am also currently in the process of putting a ring on it, Sir.”
“And?”
“And I got her pregnant with my child, Sir.”
“What else?”
Private Owens blinked, somewhat dumbfounded. “...I’ve strained relations between our species with this little stunt, Sir.”
“Have you, now? I was under the impression that the Vuk and humanity have been getting along quite well after what you did.”
Owens titled his head, confused. “Excuse me if this is out of turn, Sir, but why are you asking me these questions if you already know the answers?”
“Because I just wanted to confirm that you were doing the right thing.”
Owens’ heart skipped a beat. “Sir?”
“Oh, don’t act so surprised,” General Steele replied. “You know as much as everyone how much of a family man I am. Frankly, the only way I was going to smoke you out for this is if you tried to run off and leave her with the baby on her own.”
“Actually, Sir, I did initially try to run off,” Owens confessed. “But only because I thought her bodyguards were going to cut my balls off for sleeping with her. And that was before I knew she was pregnant.”
“Who told you that nonsense?”
Private Owens said nothing. General Steele’s brow furrowed. “Ah, I see how it is. Well, I take it that whatever commanding officer might have given you that idea was wrong.”
“Indeed, Sir. Very wrong, in fact. The boys are still intact down there.”
“Something I am sure that your soon-to-be wife is very happy about.”
Owens couldn’t help but flush red out of a mixture of embarrassment and confusion. Next to him, Petra also flushed red, sinking into her chair a bit.
“Actually, we haven’t lain together since the one night...” she muttered.
That got General Steele’s attention. He immediately leaned forward, surprise etched across his face. “Truly?”
“Truly,” Petra confirmed.
“Hm. Well, good for you both, I suppose. I am simply surprised; all the couples I know were utterly insatiable during their engagements. My own excluded, of course; we waited until marriage.”
“Is that a general thing in human culture?” Petra asked, surprised.
General Stone shook his head. “Only among the very religious, usually. Anyway, I’m not here to confirm that you two are getting intimate properly, or anything like that. Rather, I’m here for a few different reasons.”
“What would that be, Sir?” Owens asked.
“To put it frankly, I was warned that this base of operations has been seeing a significant increase in shenanigans over the past few weeks. Now, I don’t know about you, Private Owens, but I can only take a few shenanigans before I start to get really pissed off. Wouldn’t know anything about those, would you?”
“You mean aside from the obvious one?” he asked. “No, Sir.”
“Okay, then. I guess the pink-furred Vuk soldiers I saw on my way in were simply a figment of my imagination, then. Is that what you’re telling me?”
Again, Private Owens tilted his head. “...Pink-furred Vuk soldiers, Sir?”
“Oh, yes,” General Steele confirmed with a nod. “Pink as bright as the day is long. They all seemed pretty pissed about it. I simply assumed that one of you did it as a prank.”
“It wasn’t us, Sir,” Owens hastily assured him. “Believe me, we know better than to prank the Vuk. It didn’t end well for the last guy who tried it. I don’t know the specifics, but from what I’ve been told, he now eats everything through a mechanical straw.”
General Steele nodded, then turned towards Petra. “The pink fur isn’t some cultural thing for your people, is it?”
“If it is, this is the first I’m hearing of it,” she said.
“I guess that settles that one, then. Well, try not to get into too much trouble, Private.”
“Believe me, Sir, once was enough,” Owens replied. “Seriously. I got into trouble one time and it ended with me getting a girl pregnant and marrying her. I’m not about to do that again any time soon.”
“I would hope not,” Petra chimed in.
Owens gave her a sheepish grin, then turned back to General Steele. “Anyway, was there something else you wanted out of me?”
“Indeed, there is,” he said. He folded his hands across the desk in front of me, and then to Owens’ surprise, he did something completely unexpected.
He cracked a small smile.
Owens was completely taken off-guard by it. His jaw dropped, and he had to shake himself out of his stupor as General Steele began to speak.
“How does it feel to be a real Marine, son?”
“Sir?” Private Owens asked.
“Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” the General answered. He motioned to the door. “Most of those idiots out there could never do what you did. Only you could have had the stones to take a look at an eight-foot-tall bipedal mass of anger and muscles and decide that you were going to bed her. We haven't had a spirit like that in the Corps since at least 1945. Granted, it was spirit in a different form, but spirit is still spirit.”
Owens had to search for the correct words before responding. “...Sir, are you saying… you’re proud of me for getting drunk and sleeping with Petra?”
“That’s a crude way of putting it,” General Steele chastised. “Truthfully, I’m more proud of you for embodying the heart and soul of the Marine Corps by deciding that nothing is off-limits or too dangerous for you to try. Intentionally or not, you took a huge risk, and it paid off massively for both our species. The humans and the Vuk have never been as united as they are now. Are you following me?”
“I… suppose so?” Private Owens ventured. “I mean… this doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you should be signing off on, Sir. It’s very irresponsible.”
“Oh, it is,” he confirmed with a nod. “But at the same time, when have the Marines ever been known to be responsible?”
“This one is,” Petra replied, taking Owens’ hand in hers. “He’s certainly taking responsibility.”
“That he is.” General Steele checked his watch. “Well, I have to get going now. It was a pleasure meeting both of you, particularly you, Private Owens.”
“Likewise, Sir,” Owens replied, the two men standing up. General Steele offered him a hand, and the two of them shook briefly before separating. Once they had, the General turned towards Petra and shook her hand as well.
“If you two need anything, let me know,” he said. “I will not have the first human/Vuk hybrid baby go through any trouble. This is a sign of great unity for our species, and I will see to it that it remains that way no matter what.”
“Thank you, General,” Petra replied.
With that, the General pulled away from her, and after one last brief goodbye, left the room, leaving just Owens and Petra there. The moment he was gone, Owens sank down into his chair, throwing his head back with a massive sigh.
“Thank fuck…” he muttered. “I somehow managed to get out of that with my ass intact…”
“I told you that you were overreacting,” Petra replied.
“Alright, I’ll say it – you were right, and I was wrong. But in my defense, how was I supposed to know that the supposedly hard-ass General was going to basically sanction what I did? Hell, I still can’t believe that actually just happened; it’s probably going to take a solid decade for it to finally sink in.”
Petra shook her head. “You humans are so strange to me,” she admitted. “I can see his logic, but at the same time…”
“Yeah, I know, it doesn’t really make much sense to me, either. But like I said, the General is basically a demigod in human form; his motivations are extremely complex and make sense only to him and others of similar status to him.”
Petra rolled her eyes. “You know, your theatrical hysterics often get to be ve...
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