Ask Lemmy

The child-free voices are strong on social media and this comment section seems pretty one sided.

I'll chime in to say I'm a man who wanted kids. I've got 2 now. One has additional needs and is a whole lot more work than even what people are trying to avoid with "normal" kids. The kids are super young and my job is super busy..... Despite how crazy all this is: I'm loving it. If I went back in time, I'd tell my younger self that I wouldn't change a thing and that awesome things await.

This is going to turn into a mini essay. I’ll preface it with saying the following truths are to be taken as presumed throughout: 1. You do you. You’re obviously allowed to make your own choices for your own reasons. 2. My reasoning and conclusions for myself do not apply to others. Just because I have chosen to take on a task, does not mean other are lazy for not doing it. My conclusions are personal and obviously I expect most to come to their own conclusions for their situation. 3. There is no objective truth and it is possible to take any path.

For me, I really don’t think life is about having lots of free time or to min/max responsibility vs pleasure. I see responsibility and difficulty to be inseparable from the joys of life. I don’t like hearing my parents talk about what I should do with my life, but I put work into maintaining a relationship with them because I want the joys and benefits of a good relationship with my parents. Equally, I want the joys and benefits of kids. The closest analogy I can think of is of getting a dog. No one online questions the joy thay looking after a dog brings, and it is easy to understand the huge responsibility being worthwhile. I find kids very worthwhile.

I accept that everyone doesn’t have resources and privilege, but (no matter who you are) there will never be a “good time” to have a child. Literal millionaires are complaining about not having enough. There is almost never a time in life when you feel you’ve got tons of extra time, money and sleep. There is no training to prepare for children. You can avoid time around a particular exam, job move or house move…..but other than that, any time you have a child you will be equally unprepared.

There are 2 types of joy in life. There are things that are pleasurable at the time (being slumped on the sofa and binge watching Netflix) and pleasures that come in hindsight and achievement (running a marathon, that sucks at the time but gives ongoing joy because of the achievement). I’d say kids fall firmly into the second category. I didn’t go to university because it was easy, I put up with the difficulty because I wanted to have a degree. "We go to the Moon not because it is easy, but because it is hard".

Objectively, it is remarkably difficult to have children now. Houses are difficult to afford and everything is expensive. Childcare is extortionate. Work is busy and unforgiving. There is no community to help with children anymore. Parenting is expected to be more intensive than it has ever been (when our parents were children, they used to leave the house for hours and play by themselves; now we’re deemed neglectful parents if we aren’t actively engaged with our children 24/7). The final point I would add is: no one else makes this decision for you….not Lemmy comments, not your parents or in-laws, certainly not a partner’s ex(?).