Asklemmy

It was a long journey of belief into someone unknown. My whole family is worshipper of god. So for me also first it was god of some sort. Then it shifted into guru. Then the universe, existence. Then it became self, Atman. And now ... Now this journey is all over.

I did not want to marry but I fell in love and married on her request. I never ever wanted to have child, but that too happened, thanks to her. After being a parent, the least I wanted was to be with my child and that too has been very difficult till now.

I wasted about a decade of my most productive age for nothing. I asked for some guidance, looked above almost all the time. Not seeing any better option, i chose the one that gave me easy job. But I denied taking help from others/family who did not respect my choice of my life course... I have been working from ground up without help from anyone. It is difficult.

I started questioning very fundamental belief that I have been taking as granted, which have been clouding my perception. Once I shrugged off those dusts, vision became clear. It took me twenty years to realize that there is no place of any grace or a guardian figure in the events of a life. Things happen. There is cause and effect relation. Or things happen randomly and there is none to look after each individual. You are on your own. I know my story is not very painful or extraordinary. But I have readjusted my standpoint after 5 years of constant observation and contemplation. Now I am ready to face any adversity. I will not be blaming anyone imaginary.

I also ask the meaning of a life and the world and I don't find any. I feel I have no existence of myself apart from being a tool to fulfill the work of nature - to reproduce. I have been used by nature, the brutal almighty force that made me fall in love so deep. I never wanted to have my gene transferred. I don't know from where this desire has emerged, but it has been constantly present since my childhood. Being a parent was a turning point for me. I know I cannot be a good guardian, and he, my son, will not like me much the moment he starts seeing things. I wish he would have been born in some other world, where nature and existence would not exploit an individual. If I may dare to dream...

Enough of babbling. Sorry if this is too personal and not interesting enough.