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I appreciate you putting the time into that message. From what my dad told me, my grandpa wasn't a very nice person and I knew since I was a kid that my dad was not well adjusted because of it so I'm sure the same goes for his siblings. I have always been patient with them and I guess It's hard for me to understand why they would want to pass trauma onto me.
My childhood was full of abuse and neglect but I knew I didn't want to put others through that. So it's odd to me that someone can experience pain and want to pass it on, knowing how it felt to be hurt. Especially by the people who are supposed to protect and guide you through life. I'm no saint, I just don't understand why they would hurt me when I have tried to be nothing but cordial with them.
Oh I hear you on this one. I don't have the best relationship with my family because of similar behaviors. That's kind of where I learned the value of forgiveness and the difference between forgiveness and trust.
A lot of the time it isn't a choice. I don't get pushed to a wild rage of abusive language very often, but I do occasionally. Both my parents were wildly angry and rude to each other. I didn't and don't want to be that person, either, but I can also see that childhood exposure to such loud anger taught little boy Snot this is how you deal with stress, frustration, and anger at selfish disrespectful people. I am in therapy because I want to be more stoic. I don't want to make others feel pain, not really, but in my worst moments I do whether I like it or not, which is why I want to get past my own issues and get better myself.
Other than that, I learned good things from mother (my dad is a lost cause and always was) and I can see her own brokenness that was given to her by her own parents. She never wanted to teach me through trauma, either, but she accidentally did. She's cried about her regrets as a parent a lot, but that's because she genuinely is trying to put the work in to get better herself.
I have cut off my dad because of his selfishness and narcissism. He still doesn't understand why, I don't think he'll ever truly make the effort to understand why. I know he had trauma, too. His whole chest got melted from a pot of boiling water dumping all over himself when he was a child, and those scars are still visible to this day. None of the bad things that have happened to him justify his behavior, especially since he won't make apologies and then turn around and steal something from you when he gets a chance.
The difference between the two is my mother feeling and expressing deep remorse for it, and my father not giving a single shit. My mom still drives me up the wall, but not enough to go no contact because there's still something good and healthy to salvage from it.
I can give people who feel remorse, who are listening, who want to change the benefit of the doubt. The stubborn selfish jerks can just go if they don't wish to change, and there is only so much stoic attitude I can muster to deal with them.
It's not like it's intentional, usually. Everyone has a different way of coping with trauma and sadly, one of the brain's most usual defenses is repeating the same behaviour, because that makes what happened normal - if I do it too, how could it be something bad?
People who do that need a therapy to stop repeating the abusive behaviour, but as with alcoholism, the first step is to admit you have been abused. You would be surprised how many people don't get past the first step. And that's how abusive behaviour in people who are not necessarily psychopaths occurs.
As an aside, being a psychopath (not a sociopath, that term doesn't exist in psychology) is also a defense mechanism, although one on the extreme side of things and it's generally incurable past a certain age.