this post was submitted on 20 Aug 2023
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Thank you for this. Yes, that’s part of question for me. Does always imagining having them mean I really want them?
I also think one of the things I fear about not having kids is the work it will take to really accept and love myself. I feel like kids can substitute that kind of work in a lot of people. Without them though I’m really faced with myself.
That's a really heavy burden to place on a child. Sure when they're really young you'll be the centre of their universe. A superhero that can do no wrong. But eventually they will grow up, and become their own people. That process often involves outright rejecting you and being really hurtful. If you have a fragile sense of self I'm not sure raising teenagers will make you feel any better, they can be godamn mean.
Also your kids should NEVER be responsible for your mental health and self esteem. It's incredibly unhealthy and you will likely end up raising broken adults because of it. Honestly, save yourself and your potential future chlldren the trauma and heartache and do the work it takes to deal with your issues. It will be hard, but believe me it's a piece of cake compared to the pain you'd be setting yourself up for later.
Oh my gosh, I truly appreciate your post and it has made me think about my grandma, etc, but I have to comment here as a mom of grown children: children take a very personal passion and work that can at times be super affirming, but being a parent WILL NOT help you accept and love yourself!!!
The pitfalls are the same as in any meaningful effort and the importance will magnify the failures as much or more than the successes.