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how's your week going, Beehaw
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this post was submitted on 17 Jun 2024
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Miserable. I'm moving but I can't get off the hook for my last two rent payments. Combined with rent at my new place, they're going to destroy my savings account. Plus I owe $900 for a urine test. Also I accidentally left my adderall in the car for several 90°F days and I swear I cooked it, it's not working. So I have to pay for that, too.
I've technically had good times! I've been more social than usual, invited coworkers out and I guess had fun? But all I can ever think about is money and moving.
ETA also honestly the way my family and friends talk about me is getting to me. I try not to make it my whole deal but I do have some psychological issues. Mostly some trauma-related disorders but also a couple minor learning disabilities. My psych thinks I'm autistic but I didn't want to pursue a diagnosis since there aren't any reasonable sensory accommodations for my job.
But my family has flat-out told me that I can't have any of those things, I'm "the good one". They self dx with all those things to explain why they can't keep jobs or be independent. I have a job and am independent and it hurts their egos, so they tell me I don't have the things I've been in treatment for for years.
My friends do a weird thing where they try to self deprecate but dismiss my problems in the process. I attempted to open up about some heavy stuff once (I thought it was appropriate given the tone of the conversation), and my friend immediately started saying how much worse a person he is and how I must hate him because I'm dealing with my suicidal feelings so much better.
He also tried to self deprecate by saying that it's not fair that his mental illness makes him a bad person, but mine makes me a good person??
I feel so guilty because I'm honestly spiraling but everyone keeps telling me I'm not. I can't, because it makes them look worse.
I don't even know where to begin.
Going through difficult times is not a weapon in a dick-measuring contest to determine who's owed the most pity. Downplaying somebody else's problems in order to make one's own problems seem more important is not something a friend* does, period.
But then again, those people may just be unable to imagine you holding yourself together so well if you really had all those problems you describe. That's still no excuse though, a real friend should listen to you and believe you.
I think what (some of) your 'friends' are doing is reminiscent of crab mentality. That's the mechanism that makes sure you're being gifted a never-ending supply of chocolate and junk food as soon as people notice you've successfully lost weight, or alcoholics insisting that their dry friend has just one small beer with them for old times' sake.
One of the foundations of crab mentality is the assumption that life is a zero-sum game and/or desired resources are scarce, i.e. if you get more sympathy/attention then somebody else will get less.
I'm not saying you should do this - that would require some hefty assumptions about you and your life - but one of the best things I've ever done is ranking all my friends and family by the degree to which they've made my life better or dragged me down over the years, balanced scorecard-style. It sounds heartless but with some people was a real eye-opener for me.
Either way, surround yourself with people that give something back. If that means losing some 'friends', then so be it. A handful of real friends will get you much further than hordes of false ones.
( * I'm including family members here, though they can generally get away with much more BS than a friend just because they're family.)
Thank you, this is really kind. Logically, I know it's true that demeaning and comparing other people's experiences is wrong, but I encounter it so much it's hard to really believe it.
I think ranking the impact people have had in my life is probably a good idea, but it'd take me some time to figure out how to quantify that.
I can relate to some degree, though in my case it was my parents. The good news is that it doesn't take much practice until you start noticing the difference.
There's not a lot of advice I can give you, because above all you need to figure out yourself what you want (and how you want to get there). Just keep reminding yourself every now and then that the most important person in your life is you, and anybody trying to tell you otherwise is unlikely to have your best interests in mind.