I would really appreciate any help! I connected with this guy on a dating app a few months ago and we started texting. It naturally paused while I was traveling during the holidays, and he said update him upon my return. However, I had to deal with a traumatic personal matter and needed time to decompress after the loss. I was still thinking of him though and knew I had to text him. A month later, I apologized and explained everything; he was thankfully understanding.
Eventually, it became several phone calls for 2-3 hours each time (I initiated the 1st one after he said let's plan a date and I was too drained to jump right into meeting in person). Talking was so natural and calls flew by. Then we soon met for our first date in person, and I know the order of events was perhaps already a disadvantageous road less traveled, but the date didn't go well. Leading up to the day of, he mentioned feeling nervous and kept asking if I was too, so I tried to make him feel more at ease. I recognize that the guy does not owe the gal paying for her on a date, as assumed by certain gender role stereotypes, but from my experience the majority have at least offered to cover a beverage and it is appreciated. He did not, and threw me off even more by taking my coffee (I ordered first and we ultimately had the same order), leaving me there awkwardly waiting for the next one to be made while he put his cream/sugar in. I felt that was strange and rude right off the bat, even with nerves.
When he mentioned the next spot he wanted to head to after that, we went but it was too crowded and I consider it to be one of my safe havens in general so I started feeling anxious about spending hours with him there especially after the coffee incident. I politely suggested a similar smaller, less crowded venue and he seemed offput, as if I was personally attacking his choice. We did go but he made remarks that alluded it fell short of his expectations. He was also quite different in person, behaving aloof and unfocused which he admitted is his usual demeanor, expressing how emo and dark he can be as well. This was right before Valentine's Day so I wasn't surprised when we did no contact until he texted 1.5 months later, apologizing for ghosting me and saying he wasn't mentally ready for dating and felt really lost. I haven't replied and it's been another month.
He seems a bit depressed and I genuinely want nothing but for him to be well. Part of me has wanted to reply but I fear him ignoring it for another month and this continuing to drag out (I take accountability for contributing to that), or worse - ghosting me completely. I don't see a romantic future with him at this point and want to handle this the right way. Should I reply or leave it be? If reply, how should I phrase it? Was the coffee thing just due to nerves? For 1st dates, thoughts on whether guys should pay and if it's okay for gal to counter with a different venue? Any other input/advice?
Then let it be. If you did want to you could likely still save it but if you don't, then it seems contact has already been cut and re-initiating it lacks a clear reason. I suppose the important question is what is your goal in reaching out?
I see your point. I guess I value having explicit closure on both sides and especially considering his emotional conditions in this case. I don't want to be the reason he gains more of a dark thought process. I probably care too much and admittedly overthink at times. If we look at ghosting as a concept, I do all that I can not to generally. The main reason I delayed response this recent month is an overwhelming number of commitments to get through after being ill for some time, and it's not the norm for me at all. I always feel like I should reply even if it isn't to continue relations. I completely see your point though and know many see it that way too
I feel that, I fully agree that a clean cut is the best way to handle it, but since it's been so long I honestly would say "what is done is done om this one and I'll do it differently next time."
Unless of course he reaches out to you, then of course sever it cleanly since he reopened it. But I wouldn't reopen it myself just to end it, it's already functionally ended.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best!
Thank you, all the best to you too!