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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LateralThinker13 on 2024-12-26 02:23:06+00:00.
Coding is universal. Ones and zeroes (unless you are part of the Trigaliean collective, then it's zeroes, ones, and twos). On-off, yes-no, bipolar. Even the Traigalieans just use their twos for emphasis.
But Terrans. I first met a human while trying to code software for the replimat on the Octandis-Four station. He didn't say, "replace section 1003 with code that is quaternary and declaritive." He didn't say, "check the cabling and make sure the feed lines haven't been gnawed by Artex voles."
No, he told me, "be gentle with the code. Tease out what is wrong. Patch a line, reset and reboot. See if that does it."
Like, what? Look, I am a veteran coder. I've even been a combat systems coder on the battlefield, keeping our jammed drones up while enemy jammed drones stay down. I get pressure, and I get doing what you can with what you have.
Humans ignore ALL of that.
Somehow, they can cajole their code. Sweet-talk it into working. And it will! Right up until the system admin goes on holiday. Then, the MOMENT he's on leave and on his aircraft to an unreachable island, only then will the code fail.
We've looked for triggers. Counters. Ways for this to be planned. Ways for this to be explainable.
It isn't.
Human code works, if they baby it, if they nursemaid it, if they are kept on staff to keep it running. Our best coders can't even figure out half of their code or why it works! But it does, and worse, it works FASTER than our code!! People pay a premium for Terran code!
So here I am, praying to the Gods, Murphy and Tesla specifically (as per my Terran Technician's suggestion) for the code to work while he is away. I press the power down button, and then reboot the system.
And it works. Posts flawlessly. Everything green.
And that's when I realized the truth. Humans aren't coders.
They are technomages.
They do not code, they somehow use coding language to invoke the systems to do what they bid. It is how they have job security. It is how they have information security. And it is how their code has stymied the Galactic Consensuse for FIVE HUNDRED REVOLUTIONS!!!
I hate Humans. But I also respect their code. I just wish they'd let me into their brotherhood. I am tired of spreadsheets and vlookups. I want to know the deeper wisdom, and they withhold it from us, their more advanced galactic bretheren. It just isn't fair.